Thread: Real Tool Definitions

Sorry if I posted this here before, but it still makes me laugh:

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, and often found alongside the
sickle in the club banners of countries with firm ideas on government, the
hammer is now used as a kind of divining rod to locate and dent expensive parts right
beside the object you are trying to hit. Alternately the hammer (and it's larger
cousin, the SledgeHammer or BFH) can be used to devise a way to get to visit
that cute little nurse down at the local A&E.

STANLEY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of the cardboard box delivered, at great expense, to your workshop; works particularly well on boxes containing fairing panels, expensive seats and/or a lone bottle of
battery acid.

ELECTRIC DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in their holes until the Stupidity Police come to take you away;
it also works great for drilling mounting holes in custom fenders and through the new £300 rear tire.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads and crush irreplaceable wiring loom
connectors.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle.
It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more
you attempt to influence its course the more erratic your destiny.

VICE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. Also used in place of a clamp to
hold things in the wrong spot while you drill bolt holes. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to assist in arc-welding your metal watch band
to the rear subframe.

OXY TORCH: Used almost entirely for finding various flammable objects in your
garage. Also handy for firing off the two remaining explosive atoms left in
that holed fuel tank you've been soaking in water for six months. Alternately
can be used to set your hair on fire while lighting cigarettes.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British motorcycles, they
are now used mainly for impersonating that metric socket you've been searching
for over the last two hours. The socket you actually wanted will appear the
moment you've rounded off the bolt.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching that flat
metal bar out of the bloody mess that was your hand so that it smacks you in
the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that
freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE BENCH WHEEL/BUFFER: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them
around the workshop at the speed of light miraculously smashing them straight into
what ever breakable item is either the most expensive or the hardest to
replace. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about
the time it takes you to say, "Fuuu...!"

HYDRAULIC JACK: Used for lowering a vehicle to the ground after you have
installed your new front disk pads, trapping the jack handle firmly between the
(now) dented custom bumper and the (now) cracked alloy wheel.

2X4 TIMBER: Used for trying to lever a vehicle off an hydraulic jack. It
is quite useful for pinching holes in oil lines during this process and
concealing the fact until you have driven 50 miles from home.

TWEEZERS: A tool for pushing 2X4 wood splinters deeper into your hand.

PHONE: A tool for renewing your medical insurance and then calling your
neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic jack.

GASKET SCRAPER: Useful as a breakfast tool for spreading butter on toast; and
for getting dog •••• off your boot. Does not require washing.

BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times
harder than any known drill bit. Always two sizes larger than the label says.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating bulrred screws and
the futility of ever getting the timing anywhere near factory specs. Useful for
sticking in your mouth late at night and permanently traumatizing any small
child that mistakenly wanders into the workshop.

ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of the battery
cables and oil lines you have forgotten to disconnect.

VERNIER CALIPER: A delicate and expensive levering tool that inexplicably
always perfectly fits the minuscule gap between the engine cases and the barrels
you're trying to remove.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from
a bike battery to the inside of your toolbox, and down the inner thigh of your
new jeans, after determining that your battery is dead just as you thought.

METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes (and accurately)
called a drop light, it! is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin",
which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume light bulbs at about the same rate that
incendiary bombs might be used during, say, the first few hours of territorial
negotiations in Yugoslavia. Also useful for hooking up your chassis directly to
the national power grid.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab through the foil seal of brake
fluid containers and splash the contents liberally across your freshly-painted
fuel tank; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw
heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power
plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by
hose to an impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago, by
an apprentice in Milwaukee, and either rounds them off or removes the bolt head
entirely depending on your perseverance.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the £100 chrome surround for that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 10p washer.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses a half inch too short.

RAZOR KNIFE: A tool used for scratching chrome and paint after drawing blood.

TOOL BOX: A magic contraption for storing tools that only lets you find the
tool you were looking for yesterday, NEVER the one you are looking for today,
unless of course you just bought another one to get the job done. If so, when
you go to store the NEW one in your tool box you will find the OLD one sitting
right on top like a cherry on a chocolate sundae.

CIRCUIT TESTER/OHM METER: A tool used to short-circuit electrical parts.
Sometimes sending sparks into all the old oil cans sitting in the corner starting a
fire that burns down your garage, your bike, your truck, your collector's
edition Harley Davidson poker cards and even your Harley clock that goes "vroom
vroom" every hour on the hour. On the off chance that the fire trucks get there
early enough to save the bike, you still have a shorted out electrical device
that NOW has a voided warranty. I guess you'll have to go buy a new
one...with your beer money.

OPEN ENDED SPANNER: A tool designed to slip off of a nut once maximum force is
applied so that your knuckles travel at top speed when they impact sharp metal
edges. This has the added benefit of greatly increasing your ability to curse
fluently.

RING SPANNER: A tool that holds a bolt head tight enough that the open end
wrench (above) can do it's job on the nut.

TORQUE WRENCH: A tool that lets you know exactly how much force it took to twist the
head off of a bolt.

PUNCH/CHISEL: A tool designed to gently guide your fingers directly into the
path of a ball-peen hammer.



Probably a timely bit of info for those of us that think we're going to do some work on our Landies over the Christmas break.


Paul [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif[/img]

Ace wrote:
<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE</div><div class='quotemain'>Nope, its always the tools' fault when something goes wrong. Matt
[/b][/quote]

Hey Matt.... Would that be the implement..... or The individual using it... 8O 8O