Laughs/Funnies for 2005

hard being a man




This is Spot on....

Do you know how tough it is being a man...? If you put a woman on a
> pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male
> chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy. If you work too
> hard there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're
> a good-for-nothing b um.
>
> If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
> If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off
> your a ss and find something better.
>
> If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a
> job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
>
> If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep
> quiet, it's male indifference. If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't,
> you're an insensitive bas tard.
>
> If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If
> she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated
> woman.
>
> If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If
> she asks you, it's a favor.
>
> If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.
> If you don't, you're gay.
>
> If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.
> If you don't, you're unromantic.
>
> If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're
> a slob.
>
> If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're
> not thoughtful.
>
> If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself. If you
> don't, you're not ambitious.
>
> If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't
> love her anymore.
>
> If you want it Too often, you're overs exed. if you don't, there must
> be someone else.
>
> NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN!
>
>
> THEY WANT TO!!

The little old couple walked slowly into McDonald's on a
cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young
families and young couples. Some of the customers looked
admiringly at them.

You could tell what the admirers were thinking.

"Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together,
probably for 60 years or more!"

The little old man walked right up to the cash register,
placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their
meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started
taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one
order of french fries and one drink.

The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and
carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his
wife. Then he carefully counted out the french fries,
divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in
front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took
a sip and then set ! the cup down between them.

As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the
crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they
were thinking.

"That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for
the two of them."

As the man began to eat his french fries one young man stood
and came over to the old couple's table. He politely offered
to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man
replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing
everything.

Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten
a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and
occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young
man came over and begged them to let him buy them something
to eat. The man again explained that no, they were used to
sharing everything together.

As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his
face neatly with a napkin, the young man ! could stand it no
longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy
some food. After being politely refused again, he finally
asked a question of the little old lady.

"Ma'am, why aren't you eating? You said that you share
everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"

She answered, "The teeth."

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and
she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?"

She pulled it out and stared at it.

Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

A New Year warning!!!!!!!!



Police today warned all men who frequent clubs and parties to stay cautious when offered drinks by women.
Females are using a date rape drug called "BEER" 8O to target unsuspecting men.

This drug comes in liquid form and is available everywhere.

"Beer" is used by female predators to persuade helpless male victims to go home with them. Women need only persuade a man to consume a few of these "BEERS" and then ask him home for no-strings-attached sex, a simple approach that renders most men helpless.

After several "BEERS," men will have sex with even unattractive women.

Often men awaken with only hazy memories of the night before, a horrible
headache and a vague feeling that something bad happened. :roll:
Some really unfortunate men are even separated from their life's savings in a scam called "a relationship" 8O

In extreme cases, females have entrapped unsuspecting males into long-term servitude through a punishment called "Marriage". :twisted:

Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam once "BEER" is administered.

Forward this warning to every male you know.

And if you, or some man you know have fallen victim to this insidious "BEER" and the predatory women who administer it, rest assured: male support groups exist in every major city where you can discuss the ugly details of your encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.



For the support group nearest you,
look in the Yellow Pages under: "Golf Courses" :wink:

[img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

Cheers
Knight :wink:

(WOOHOO - i know what I'm doing tonight!! :wink: )

For all the ladies - this is fiction



No sex tonight? I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.



FOR EXAMPLE
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it,I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreadsto hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by
saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.


The very next day I opted to take the
day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes,so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you...she was so excited.
She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.



Smiling with excited anticipation she
finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."


Her face just went completely blank as
her jaw dropped with a baffled ???!!!" I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy Your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,

"Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight
either.


:twisted:

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed down from generation to generation, says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

In the Public Service, however, a whole range of far more advanced strategies is often employed, such as:

 Change riders.

 Buy a stronger whip.

 Do nothing: "This is the way we have always ridden dead horses".

 Visit other countries to see how they ride dead horses.

 Perform a productivity study to see if lighter riders improve the dead horse's performance.

 Hire a contractor to ride the dead horse. (Can be as useful as a saddle when it comes to protecting your xxxx!!)

 Harness several dead horses together in an attempt to increase the speed.

 Provide additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.

 Appoint a committee to study the horse and assess how dead it actually is.

 Re-classify the dead horse as "living-impaired".

 Develop a Strategic Plan for the management of dead horses.

 Rewrite the expected performance requirements for all horses.

 Modify existing standards to include dead horses.

 Declare that, as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overheads, and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line than many other horses.

 Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position, (but the competition for positions is fierce).

The Snake and the Bunny.

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
It's quite ok," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is the same as yours. I too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny.
So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cotton tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit." "Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.

The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either a team leader, supervisor or possibly someone in senior management."

There is a factory in America which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy

laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired at the

Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 0800.

The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The

Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about

the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole

line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The

Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself. So the 2 men march

down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that

there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really

beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands the new employee

surrounded by mountain of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red

fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she

cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to

carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager

bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself

together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry,"he says to her, barely able

to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I

gave you yeterday". "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl
in
the world."
Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."
Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the
world."
They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have
their
claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy.
"It's
official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world,"
Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am officially the
smallest
person in the world."



Wait for it..................



Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and simply stated,
"Who is Camilla Parker Bowles?"