Laughs/Funnies for 2005

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'.

Roland the class swot, gets up and says,
"Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Roland" says the teacher.

"Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says,
"My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."

"Well done, Katie" says the teacher.

"Anyone else?"

Little Podge jumps up and says in a broad Irish voice,
"Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush,
my Dad says it will take the c*nt ages"

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Originally posted by bigbugga+--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(bigbugga)</div><div class='quotemain'>

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Originally posted by Pedro_The_Swift+--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Pedro_The_Swift)</div><div class='quotemain'><!--QuoteBegin-bigbugga@
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Land Rover Condom: The best 4 plus 4 by far :!: :wink:

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Better traction too :wink:

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dont you mean friction :?:[/b][/quote]

Traction is what you need in slippery conditions

:wink:[/b][/quote]

Being Land Rover, they probably leak.

Ron

<span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:100%"> True Definitions </span>
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ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and now grows in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

You Know You're In Trouble When...

...Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.

...Your suggestion box starts ticking.

...Your secretary tells you the ASIO is on line 1, the Police are on line 2, and Channel 7 is on line 3.

...The simple instructions enclosed aren't.

...People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.

...You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together.

...The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.

...You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.

30 fun things to do when driving...

1. Vary your vehicle’s speed inversely with the speed limit.

2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to head bang.

3. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.

4. Two words: Chicken suit.

5. Write the words “Help me” on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.

6. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.

7. Laugh a lot. A whole lot.

8. Stop at the green lights.

9. Go at the red ones.

10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.

11. Eat food that requires silverware.

12. Pass cars, then drive very slowly.

13. Sing without having the radio on.

14. Honk frequently without motivation.

15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.

16. Ask people for Grey Poupon.

17. Let pedestrians know who’s boss.

18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.

19. Restart your car at every stop light.

20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.

21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.

22. While stopped at a light, **** out the window/sunroof onto other cars.

23. Paint your car with occult symbols.

24. Keep at least five cats in the car.

25. Have some passengers in the back who are having wild, noisy sex.

26. Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for fire trucks.

27. Stop and collect road kill.

28. Stop and pray to road kill.

29. Throw Spam.

30. Get in the fast lane and gradually...slow...down... to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars.

[size=24]<span style="color:red">Ace
Just for you</span>


There are many signs you need to watch out for that could mean you are yet another surf junkie addicted to the internet...

You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com

You turn off your modem and get this empty feeling, like you just pulled the pin on a loved one.

You start introducing yourself as "Jon at AOL dot com"

Your wife drapes a blonde wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

All of your friends have an @ in their names.

You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.

Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

You laugh at people with 14,400 baud modems.

You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

You tell the cab driver you live at http://69.luck.street/house/bluetrim.html

Your spouse makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a commode.

You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :^)

You turn on your computer, and turn off your spouse.

Your best friend is someone you've never met.

Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer, and install a second phone line so you can chat.

You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."

Your dog has its own home page.

So does your gold fish.

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Originally posted by p38arover+--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(p38arover)</div><div class='quotemain'>

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Originally posted by bigbugga+--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(bigbugga)</div><div class='quotemain'>

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Originally posted by Pedro_The_Swift
<!--QuoteBegin-bigbugga

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@
<!--QuoteBegin-VladTepes

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Land Rover Condom: The best 4 plus 4 by far :!: :wink:

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Better traction too :wink:

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dont you mean friction :?:

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Traction is what you need in slippery conditions

:wink:[/b][/quote]

Being Land Rover, they probably leak.

Ron[/b][/quote]

Being Land Rover, they are probably the same batch made in 1942, just new packaging on the outside.

http://www.aulro.com/albums/album148...date.sized.jpg

[img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] Love that bra one RichardK [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

BB: I agree with the "throw burining stuff into the car window of people who throw out cigarette butts". How Just.

A Scottish soldier in full dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to the pharmacist.

The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandanna,

And opens it to reveal a smaller silk square which he unfolds to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it. He holds it up.

"How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the pharmacist.

"Six pence," says the pharmacist.

"How much for a new one?"

"Ten pence." Says the Pharmacist

The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton bandana, places it in his sporran and marches down the aisle and out the door of the pharmacy.

A moment or two later a great shout goes up, followed by an even greater shout.

The Scot walks into the pharmacy again and back to the pharmacist.

"The regiment has taken a vote," the Scot says. "We'll have a new one".