Thread: Laughs/Funnies for 2005

Modern Day Cowboy.........

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.

His horse has already died of thirst.

He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden; he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an IRS genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."



***POOF***



The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."



***POOF***



The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.



"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."



***POOF***



He turned into a tampon.



The moral of the story:



If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

Not a bad idea.......... but think of all the fat ugly chicks out there. My luck would be to end up with one of them... 8O 8O 8O 8O 8O 8O

Daddy? How did I come into this world?"

"Well, my child, some day I'll have to tell you any way.

"So why not today? Please!"

"OK, but listen carefully."

"Mom and Dad met each other in a cyber cafe. In the restrooms of that cyber
cafe, dad connected to mom. Mom at that time made some downloads from dad's
memory stick.

When dad finished uploading we discovered we used no firewall.

Since it was too late to cancel or delete, nine months later we ended up
with a virus."

WHY GOD INVENTED MENOPAUSE

With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65-year-old woman was

able to give birth to a baby recently.

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, the relatives
came
to visit. "May we see the new baby, one asked?"

Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for awhile

first." Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we
see
the new baby now?"

No, not yet," said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the

baby now?"

"Not yet," replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN we see the baby?"

"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.

"WHEN HE CRIES??" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until he
CRIES??"

"BECAUSE, I forgot where I put him..."

> > >>DIVORCED BARBIE

> > >>

> > >>A man was driving home one evening when he suddenly realized that it

> > >>was his daughter's birthday and he had not bought her a present. He

> > >>drove to the shopping centre and ran to the toy shop and he asked the

> > > manager:

> > >>

> > >>"How much is that new Barbie in the window?"

> > >>

> > >>The Manager replied, "Which one? We have "Barbie goes to the gym"

> > >>for$19.95, "Barbie goes to the Ball" for $19.95, "Barbie goes shopping"

> > >>for $19.95, "Barbie goes to the beach" for $19.95, "Barbie goes to the

> > >>Nightclub" for $19.95 and "Divorced Barbie"

> > >>for $375.00"

> > >>

> > >>"Why is Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?", the

> > >>dad asked.

> > >>

> > >>"Divorced Barbie" comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's

> > >>dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture.

A cowboy walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him he says, "That tooth has to come out. My nurse will give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."

The cowboy grabs the doc's arm, "No way. I hate needles I'm not having any shot!"

So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with the gas."

The man replies, "Absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."

So the dentist asks his nurse go get him a glass of water.
"Here," the dentist says. "Take this pill."

"What is it?" asks the cowboy.

The doc replies, "Viagra."

The cowboy looks surprised. "Will that kill the pain?" he asks.

"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth."

A blonde brings her car to a mechanic, complaining that it is running rough and not making alot of power.

The mechanic tells her he'll take a look at it, and to come back in half an hour.

Half an hour later she returns. The mechanic tells her what the problem was

"Its fine now, just crap in the Carby." he says as he hands the keys to her

The blonde looks a bit surprised, but then says "Oh, ok...how often should I do that?"

60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?