Thread: Laughs/Funnies for 2005

NON-typical :!:


untypical?

antitypical?

Ron???

Things That Are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

Things That Are VERY Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Transubstantiate

Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When You're Drunk:
Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
No kebab for me, thank you
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
I'm not interested in fighting you.
Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing
I love you Kevin
No, I wont make any attempt to dance thanks, I have zero co-ordination.
Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to urinate over the nearest cash machine or shop front.

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man comes into the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread - on the very top shelf - he politely says to the young woman, "I'd like some raisin bread, please."

She climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, providing the young man with an excellent view, just as he surmised she would. When she comes down the ladder, he says he really should get two loaves as he is having company for dinner.

As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he orders a loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread just to watch the young woman climb up and down.

After many trips, she is tired, irritated and thinking she is really going to have to try the raisin bread herself. Once again she is up the ladder retrieving a loaf of raisin bread for another male customer. She stops and fumes, glaring at the men below. She notices an elderly man standing among the crowd of males looking up at her who hasn't placed an order yet.

Thinking to save herself another trip up and down the ladder, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin, too?" "No," croaked the old man, "but it's a quiverin'..."

http://tinyurl.com/4yx2z

SOOOOO now isnt a good time to drop around for a coffee hey Inc?

[img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little jerk. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron.

"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"

THE LITTLE OLD LADY
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St.
Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most
awful, blood curdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having
the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the
conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling
screams.
"Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to
fit the halo."
"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."
"You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be r.a.p.e.d and
s.o.d.o.m.i.z.e.d."
"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes
drilled
for that."

That's a classic, Inc :!: