Laughs/Funnies for 2005

I dont know if you lot have seen this before, I found it on outer limits and gave me a chuckle...

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died
and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since your
motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out
with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, I want to hang out
with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God
recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented
motorcycles, eh?!"

Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me...."

God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's
pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a
road?!"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke," Excuse me, but
aren't you the inventor of woman???"

God said, "Ah, yes! ."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major
design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!"

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

God went to his celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and
waited for the results. The computer then printed out a slip of paper.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur,
"but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than
yours!!".

and no offence intended to the ladies of our forum...

this is really funny [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]



Texas Chili Cookoff

If you can read the whole story without tears of laugher running down your cheeks then there's no hope for you. I didn't make it without the tears.

NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild
Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer.

Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT -- just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ****es me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that **** Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like **** to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild not hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.

i thought that was on the last joke thread we had

Here’s a good way and excuse to clean you monitor.

http://mirrored.flabber.nl/boob.cursor/cia...iagnijcycka.swf

http://mirrored.flabber.nl/boob.cursor/cia...iagnijcycka.swf

Things To Ponder.

1. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

2. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

3. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

4. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

5. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.

6. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

7. There are no new sins....the old ones just get more publicity.

8. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.

9. Think about this..., No one ever says "It's only a game" when his team is winning.

10. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

11. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

12. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.

13. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.

19. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

It's the first day of kindergarten, and the teacher decides to do taste association. 'I'll blindfold you and give you a lifesaver, and you tell me what flavor it is,' she tells the children. So she gives them all a cherry flavor, and says, 'What flavor is that?'

The whole class answers 'Mmmm, that's cherry.'

'Very good,' the teacher replies. So she gives them all a grape and they reply, 'Mmm, that's grape.'

'Very good,' she says again.

Then she gives them all a honey flavor. The whole class sits perplexed by the strange taste, so the teacher says 'OK, I'll give you a hint, it's something your parents might call each other.'

Billy spits his out on the floor and yells, 'Spit 'em out everyone, they're ASSHOLES!'

Quote:

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Originally posted by DEFENDERZOOK
i thought that was on the last joke thread we had

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:oops: :oops: :oops: couldn't remeber if i did :evil: :evil:

oh well for all that missed it last time [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

My old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next!"

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. 8O

Thanks again p38arove, you clicked to my error in no time at all and I've been at it for about 3 hours :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:

Quote:

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Originally posted by drivesafe
http://www.traxide.com.au/pics/Beer.jpg

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