Laughs/Funnies for 2005

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is
>>absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with
>>his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a
>>request.
>> A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first
>>row and shouts at the top of his voice:
>>
>> "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!".
>>
>>Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's
>>varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor
>>scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10
>>minutes.
>>
>>When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
>>
>>The little old man jumps up again and shouts:
>>"No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".
>>
>>A bit ****ed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he
>>is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around
>>the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.
>>
>>The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical
>>expertise.
>>
>>The little old man jumps up again:
>> "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord".
>>Well and truly ****ed off that this little guy doesn't seem to
>>appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage
>>"OK smart ass. You get up here and do it!"
>>
>>
>>
>>The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>and
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>starts to sing.....
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>" A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."
>>
>>

A biker stopped by the local Harley shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't
do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an
anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of
chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a
problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. While he was scratching his
head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.

She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker
said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk
you home but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the
bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm, and carry the goose in
your other hand?"

"Why, thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he said, "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll
be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously. Then said, "I am a lonely widow
without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you
won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish
me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two
chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against
the wall and do that?"

The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the
anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."

A driver meets Pope Benedict XVI at the airport.

After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver. "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And supposing something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing that he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.

The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!" "No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the bl**dy Pope as a chauffeur!!"

[size=18]<span style="color:blue">THE CLOSET</span>

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there
already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are
in the closet together again.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy: "$750"
Man: "Sold."
A few days later, the father says to the boy,
"Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy
says,
"I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that
... that is way more than those two things cost. It's almost like
stealing. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that **** again; you're in my closet now." 8O
[img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

Cheers
Knight :wink:

hahahaha.... 8O 8O

[img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif[/img]

i thought this was really funny [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

http://media2.big-boys.com/bbfiles/loveyourcar1.wmv


warning a touch rude :wink: :wink:

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird
section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and
asks if he can help them.

"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,"
says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy and Gerry pay for the
birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of
the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000-foot drop and says,
"Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts
them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself
stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and
says, "F**k dat. Dis budgie jumping is too f**k'n dangerous for me!"

- THERE'S MORE

Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet
shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper
bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the
cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots
the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the
bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says,"And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting
either!"

IT IS NOT OVER YET

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean Og
appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out
of which he pulls a chicken. Sean Og then hurls himself off the cliff
and
disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once
more Paddy shakes his head.

"F**k dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den
Seamus parrotshooting...and now Sean Og and his f**k'n hen-gliding!"

Someone out there either has too much
spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!


DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER


DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE


THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME


ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT


MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S


A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:


PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters
(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands!

A mate told me he saw a Monopoly board today, not your normal one but the Indonesian version ( see my next post on the next page ) :twisted:

[size=18][u][b]<span style="color:blue">The Snorer</span>

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep,
the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the
woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.
"Yeah right!" she says.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual.
The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she
goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it carefully around
the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is
amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out
with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring
loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she
goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her
husband's testicles.
Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

The husband wakes from a drunken stupor and stumbles into the
bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the the
blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks
back
into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.
He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says, "I don't know
where we were or what we did, but, we got first and second place.
:roll: 8O [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

Cheers
Knight :wink: