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[size=18]<span style="color:blue">The Portrait</span>
A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were
staring at a portrait that had them totally confused. The painting
depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of
the men had black penises but the one seated in the middle, had a pink
penis.
The curator of the gallery realized the confused couple were having
trouble with interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.
He went on and on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the
sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly white,
patriarchal society. "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics
believe that the pink penis reflects the cultural and sociological
oppression expressed by gay men in a contemporary society".
After the curator left, a Scotsman man approached the couple and said,
Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the
Gallery?" asked the couple.
"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied.
"In fact, there is no African-American representation at all.
They're just three Scottish coal-miners.
The guy in the middle went home for lunch." 8O [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]
Cheers
Knight :wink:
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age
What about the Throw Downs with the Bulls eyes on them and Fire
Cracker night and you could buy the fireworks at the local
milkbar/corner shop.
FOR EVERYONE BORN BEFORE 1986!!!
According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who
were kids in the 60's, 70's and early 80's probably shouldn't have
survived, because our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured
lead-based paint which was promptly chewed and licked. We had no
childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or cabinets and
it was fine to play with pans.
When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip-flops and
fluorescent 'spokey dokey's' on our wheels. As children, we would ride
in cars with no seat belts or airbags riding in the passenger seat was a
treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle and it
tasted the same. We ate chips, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy
juice with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were
always outside playing.
We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can
and no-one actually died from this. We would spend hours building
go-carts out of scraps and then went top speed down the hill, only to
find out we forgot the brakes. After running into stinging nettles a few
times, we learned to solve the problem.
We would leave home in the morning and could play all day, as
long as we were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us and
no
one minded. We did not have Play stations or X-Boxes, no video games at
all.
No 99 channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no
mobile phones, no personal computers, no DVDs, no Internet chat rooms.
We had friends - we went outside and found them.
We played elastics and rounders, and sometimes that ball really
hurt! We fell out of trees, got cut, and broke bones but there were no
law suits. We had full on fist fights but no prosecution followed from
other parents. We played chap-the-door-run-away and were actually afraid
of the owners catching us. We walked to friends' homes. We also, believe
it or not, WALKED to school; we didn't rely on mummy or daddy to drive
us to school, which was just round the corner.
We made up games with sticks and tennis balls. We rode bikes in packs of
7 and wore our coats by only the hood. The idea of a parent bailing us
out if we broke a law was unheard of...They actually sided with the law.
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and
Problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an
explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success
and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
And you're one of them. Congratulations!
Pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow as real
kids, before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own
good. For those of you who aren't old enough, thought you might
like to read
about us.
This my friends, is surprisingly frightening......and it might
put a smile on your face: The majority of students in universities today
were born in 1986........They are called youth.
They have never heard of We are the World, We are the children,
and the Uptown Girl they know is by Westlife not Billy Joel. They have
never heard of Rick Astley, Bananarama, Nena Cherry or Belinda Carlisle.
For them, there has always been only one Germany and one Vietnam. AIDS
has existed since they were born. CD's have existed since they were
born. Michael Jackson has always been white. To them John Travolta
has always been round in shape and they can't Imagine how this fat guy
could be a god of dance. They believe that Charlie's Angels and Mission
Impossible are
films from last year.
They can never imagine life before computers. They'll never have
pretended to be the A Team, RedHand Gang or the Famous Five. They'll
never have applied to be on Jim'll Fix It or Why Don't you.
They can't believe a black and white television ever existed.
And they Will never understand how we could leave the house without a
mobile
phone.
Now let's check if we're getting old...
1. You understand what was written above and you smile.
2. You need to sleep more, usually until the afternoon, after a
night out.
3. Your friends are getting married/already married.
4. You are always surprised to see small children playing
comfortably with computers.
5. When you see teenagers with mobile phones, you shake your
head.
6. You remember watching Dirty Den in EastEnders the first time
around.
7. You meet your friends from time to time, talking about the
good Old days, repeating again all the funny things you have experienced
together.
8. Having read this mail, you are thinking of forwarding it to
some other friends because you think they will like it too...
Yes, you're getting old!!
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How To Avoid The Flu
Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C. Get plenty of exercise
because exercise helps build your immune system. Walk for at least an hour
a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of
antibacterial stuff around. Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever
possible. Get plenty of rest. Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as
you can.
OR Take the doctor's surgery approach.
Think about it...
When you go for a shot, what do they do first?
Clean your arm with alcohol.
Why?
Because alcohol kills germs.
So......
I walk to the bottle store. (exercise)
I put lemon in my Rum and Coke..(fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the patio..(fresh air) Get drunk, tell jokes,
laugh..(eliminate stress) Then pass out. (rest)
The way I see it...
If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can't get you!!!!
My grandmother always said, "A shot in the glass is better than one in
the ass!"
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An 18 year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two
months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that
did This to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a
mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in
the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and
tells them:
- Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the
problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll
take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest
of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2
retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank
account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a
$4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?
- At this point, - the father, who had remained silent, places a
hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, - You f..k her
again!
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Night out with the girls -
Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of
the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10
bill.
When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10
bill and stuck it to his left butt cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulled out a $20 bill. She
called the guy back, licked the $20 bill, and stuck it to his right
butt cheek.
In an attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulled
out a $50 bill, called the guy over, and licked the $50 bill. I was
worried about the way things were going, but fortunately, she
just stuck the fifty to his left butt cheek again.
My relief was short-lived. The guy raced over to me!!! Now
everyone's attention was focused on me, and the guy was egging
me on to try to top the $50.
My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I
do????
The woman in me took over!
I got out my ATM card, swiped it down his crack, grabbed the
eighty bucks, and left!
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[img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]
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A rich white man in Darwin decided that He wanted
>>to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also
>>invited Jimmy, the only aboriginal in the neighbourhood. He held the
>>party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was
>>having a good time drinking, dancing, flirting with the women. At the height of the party, the host said, "I
>>have a 15 ft man-eating Crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million
>>dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in."
>>
>>The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and
>>everyone turned around and saw Jimmy in the pool! Jimmy was fighting the
>>croc and kicking its ass! Jimmy was jabbing the croc in the eyes with
>>his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of **** like head butts
>>and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc
>>through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was
>>churning and splashing everywhere.
>>
>>Both Jimmy and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Jimmy
>>strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish.
>>Jimmy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at
>>him in disbelief. Finally the host says, "Well, Jimmy, I reckon I owe
>>you a million dollars." "Nah, you right, I don't want it," said Jimmy.
>>
>>The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet."
>>
>>"How about half a million bucks then?"
>>
>>"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Jimmy. The host said, "Come on, I
>>insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new
>>Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?" Again Jimmy said no.
>>
>>Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Jimmy, then what do you want?"
>>
>>Jimmy said, "I want the name of the bastard who pushed me in the pool."
-
Yep, this is my old man..............
>> > They always ask at the doctor's office why you are
>> > there and you say in
>> > front of others what's wrong and sometimes it's embarrassing.
>> >
>> > There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist
>> > who insists you tell
>> > her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know
>> > most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this
>> > old guy handled it.
>> >
>> > An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded Doctor's
>> > Waiting Room. As he
>> > approached the desk, the Receptionist said, "Yes
>> > sir, what are you
>> > seeing the Doctor for today?"
>> >
>> > "There's something wrong with my d*ck," he replied.
>> > The Receptionist
>> > became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into
>> > a crowded Doctor's
>> > Room and say things like that."
>> >
>> > "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told
>> > you," he said.
>> >
>> > The Receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused
>> > some embarrassment in
>> > this room full of people. You should have said there
>> > is something wrong
>> > with your ear or something and then discussed the
>> > problem further with
>> > the Doctor in private."
>> >
>> > The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in
>> > a room full of
>> > others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."
>> > The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The
>> > Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
>> >
>> > "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
>> >
>> > The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled,
>> > knowing he had taken her
>> > advice "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
>> >
>> > "I can't **** out of it," the man replied.
>> >
>> > The Waiting Room erupted in laughter....
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Baptist Preacher
This is a story about a popular young Baptist preacher, who on Sunday
morning announces to the congregation that he will not renew his contract,
and is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.
Bubba, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and announces, "If the
preacher stays, I'll provide him with a new sedan every year, and his lovely
wife with a minivan, to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs, and applauds. Billy Bob, the entrepreneur and
investor, stands and says, "If the
preacher stays, I'll double his salary, and establish a foundation to
guarantee the college education of his children!!"
More sighs and applause.
Mrs. Ella May, aged 70, stands and announces, "If the preacher stays,
I'll give him SEX!!"
There is a hush.
The preacher, blushing, asks, "Mrs. Ella May, whatever possessed you to
say that?"
Mrs. Ella May answers, "I just asked My husband how we could help, and he
said......."F*ck him."
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One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,
My elbow hurts like hell I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine
sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about
it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars..a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks." Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to
Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
better.
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart! 8O [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]
Cheers
Knight :wink:
