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A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed
and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care. I
just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."
The husband said, "What did he say about your 56 year old ass?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.
Can't remember if I posted this or not...
NEVER SAY TO A COP
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in FNQ)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 190 kph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the boot, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around.. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been
drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
[img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]
Good ones Vlad.
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists.
Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal
door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!"
The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room.
All was quiet for about 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go
home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions,
to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after
another.
They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there
stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.
"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "So I had to beat him to
death with the chair."
MORAL: Women are evil. Don't mess with them
Couple of Pirate jokes for all.........
Have you heard about the new pirate movie? It's rated AARRRRGGH!
what's a pirate's favorite mode of transportation? AAARRRRGGH!
what's a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet? AAARRRRGGH!
what's a pirate's favorite kind of socks? AARRRGYLE
what is a pirates favorite study subject? ARRRRRRRRRRRRT!
what's a pirate's second-choice job? an arrrrrrchitect!
[img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] :roll: [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]
This pirate walks into a bar with a big ship's wheel down his pants.
The bartender says, "Excuse me, sir, but do you know you have a ship's wheel down the front of your pants?"
And the pirate says... Aaargh, it's driving me nuts!!
a little kid with a speech impediment dresses up as a pirate and goes trick or treating.
he knocks on the door of a house and a man answers. "oh, i can see you're dressed up as a pirate." the man says. "but where are your buccaneers?"
the kid gets really mad, and says "on the sides of my buckin' head!"
A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."
The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."
"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them **** in my eye."
"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird ****!"
"Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet." 8O [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]
I know - they're pretty bad.........but i liked the AAARRRRRGGGH ones a bit........ :roll:
Cheers
Knight :wink:
<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE</div><div class='quotemain'>what's a pirate's favorite mode of transportation? AAARRRRGGH![/b][/quote]
Huh :?: :? :? :?:
<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE</div><div class='quotemain'>what's a pirate's favorite mode of transportation? AAARRRRGGH!
Huh [/b][/quote] OOPS!!!!
It was supposed to say:
what's a pirate's favorite mode of transportation? a cAAARRRRGGH!
I (the joke) stands corrected now!
Thanks Vlad!
Cheers
Knight :wink:
[size=18]<span style="color:blue">THE PARROT</span>
A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot.
The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.
"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, and it's an absolute steal
at only $20."
"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks.
"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a
result its language is a touch fruity".
"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad
minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". In saying this, she
buys the parrot and takes him home.
Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the
woman. "F**k me, a new brothel and a new madam"
"I'm not a madam and this isn't a brothel" scolds the woman trying not to
laugh.
A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home.
"Un-f**king-believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new
prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters.
"Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we're not prostitutes" complain the
girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.
They were still all laughing when the woman's husband Dave comes home.
"In-f**king-credible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes, but the
same old clients..... How ya doin', Dave?" 8O
The laughter stopped!! [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]
Cheers
Knight :wink:
Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey,
they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"
The woman shakes her head no.
"Kin ya breathe?"
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her
drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm
and the obstruction flies out of her mouth
As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.
His partner says, Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver',
but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"
[size=18][u]<span style="color:blue">The Actors</span>
Producers wanted to make a film about famous classical composers,
& to give it more box office clout, they decided they needed Stallone,
Schwarzenegger & Van Damme.
In order to make sure they would be interested in the film,
the three superstars were given the choice of
which famous composer they would like to portray.
"Well" started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to
play him."
"Chopin has always been my favourite," said Van Damme. "I'll play
him."
The producers were pleased. "Sounds splendid, but who do want to be,
Arnold?"
(wait for it.........)
I'LL BE BACH.
[img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]
Cheers
Knight :wink:
This good looking man walks into an agent's office in Hollywood and says
"I
want to be a movie star."
Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right
credentials.
The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into
Hollywood, you are gonna have to change your name."
"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I
will
not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years..... you will
NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm
telling
you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to
represent
you."
So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he
left
the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
Inside
the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is
awestruck,
who would possibly send him $50,000?
He reads the letter enclosed...
"Dear Sir: Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an
actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined
to
make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would
never
make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left
your
office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right.. I had
to
change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I
signed
with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name,
so
the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your
advice.
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke