Thread: joke of the day for ACE!

T TIME
CRAIG Lowndes is or his way to the Deni ute muster in his new XR6 turbo ute. Just out of Jehlderie he stops to help the owner of an overheating Model T.
Craig offers to tow the T til they catch up with the rest of the vintage run mob.
‘If you get a bit too fast for me, I’ll blow the horn says the T’s driver.
So they set off at a sensible pace. But five minutes down the road, Mark Skafe passes them in aV8 Crewman, blows Craig a kiss, then accelerates away. Of course Lowndes plants his foot and gives chase.
Speeding through Conago, a cop sees them and radios ahead to give the highway patrol the heads-up about the racers.
He tells them: “Theres something strange going on — Skafe and Lowndes just raced through town.”
The highway patrol answers: “That’s not so strange, Skaife and Lowndes racing to Deni,
yeah says the cop, but there’s a Mode. T right up their arses blowing his horn trying
to tell them to get out of the way and let him past!”

heres another that cracked me up!

PARROT PHRASE
WANDA’S dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day. she told the repair man “I’ll leave the key under the mat Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a cheque. Oh. by the way don’t worry about my bulldog, he won’t bother you at all. But whatever you do, do not under any circumstance talk to my parrot I repeat, do not talk to my parrot!”
When he repairman arrived at Wandas apartment the next day, he discovered the bigest meanist looking bulldog he had ever seen. But just as she said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot however, drove him nuts the whole time with its incessant yelling cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled:
shut up! you stupid ugly bird!
to which the parrot replied “ get him spike”


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Maharishi Fattifatbastard's Guide to Zen

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just f--- off and leave me alone.



The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.



The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.



Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren't getting any.



Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.



Remember, no-one is listening until you fart.



Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.



Never test the depth of the water with both feet.



If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments



Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.



If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.



Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.



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Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreen.



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Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment.



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Never miss a good chance to shut up.



Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.



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