Jokes Thread

[Steinzy]

Texas Sex

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex
positions.

One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't reckon
I ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy.

"What is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her
from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in
your hands and whisper in her ear, "Boy these feel just like your sister's."

Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds.

[Steinzy]

Here is another joke that's a little cleaner! Apologies if anyone found my last joke offensive.

A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat. As he settled in he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! she took the seat right beside him.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in the United States".

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish,"

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said.. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

[Disco300Tdi]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never
been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One
afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her
quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared
tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a
cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a
condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The
pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no
longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice", he said. "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"
pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was
walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little
package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ,
keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

[hiline]

> A young blonde woman in Sydney was so depressed that she decided to

> end her life by throwing herself from the Harbour Bridge.

> She went down to the bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water

> when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the bridge,

> crying.

> He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm

> off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my

> ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food everyday." Moving

> closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, I'll keep you

> happy, and you'll keep me happy."

> The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps

> a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning. That night,

> the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.

> From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece

> of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

> Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the

> captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have

> an arrangement with one of the sailors, who's stowed me away" she

> explained

> "I get food and free passage to Europe, and he's screwing me."

> "He certainly is," the captain said. "this is the Manly Ferry. [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

[hiline]

>>Aging Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly
>>despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She
>>decided that she would just kill herself and join him in
>>death.
>>
>>Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly,
>>she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision
>>to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken
>>in the first place.
>>
>>Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable
>>and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to
>>inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
>>
>>"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just
>>below your left breast."
>>
>>Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with
>>a gunshot wound to her knee.

[Steinzy]

That was great Hiline [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

[Steinzy]

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves.

Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire."

The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.
That night over dinner, the first man tells his story: "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and
dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"

The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and I had sex with her in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."
"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"
"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

[DEFENDERZOOK]

<span style="color:blue">my type of woman.....
lots of action......absolutely no whinging.....</span>

[Steinzy]

only problem is she wont get you a beer when you ask!

maybe one of those remotes that Pedro had might work

[DEFENDERZOOK]

<span style="color:blue">An older, white haired gentleman walked into a jewelry store one Friday
evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he
was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked
through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The
old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very
special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler
said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with
excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The
jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "
I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and
you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up
Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man."There's
no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"</span>