Jokes Thread

[VladTepes]

One for Knight [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif[/img] :

Please note this email was sent originally by a girl.

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE</div><div class='quotemain'>Think I can relate to a few of these Girlfriends, maybe you can to.

When we girls drink too much...

1. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS

2. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING OUR BUTT WHILE YELLING "WOO-HOO!" IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND

3. WE'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S ASS AND HONESTLY BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT TOO

4. IN OUR LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE WERE JUST FOUR HOURS AGO

5. WE DROP OUR 3:00 A.M. SUBMARINE NEW YORK SLICE ON THE FLOOR (WHICH WE'RE EATING EVEN THOUGH WE ARE NOT THE LEAST BIT HUNGRY), PICK IT UP AND CARRY ON EATING IT

6. WE START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT WE LOVE THEM SOOOOO MUCH

7. WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAYS BECAUSE "OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!"

8. WE'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO US

9. THE MAN WE'RE FLIRTING WITH USED TO BE OUR 5TH GRADE TEACHER

10. THE URGE TO TAKE OFF ARTICLES OF CLOTHING, STAND ON A TABLE AND SING OR DANCE BECOMES STRANGELY OVERWHELMING TO US

11. OUR EYES JUST DON'T SEEM TO WANT TO STAY OPEN ON THEIR OWN SO WE KEEP THEM HALF CLOSED AND THINK IT LOOKS EXOTICALLY SEXY

12. WE'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT

13. WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE CHEATED US BY GIVING US JUST COKE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE WE CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE BOURBON

14. WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE KITCHEN FLOOR (errr, or, the mop?)

15. WE START EVERY CONVERSATION WITH A BOOMING, "DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY BUT..."

16. WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN WE SIT ON IT

17. OUR HUGS BEGIN TO RESEMBLE WRESTLING TAKE-DOWN MOVES

18. WE ARE TIRED SO WE JUST SIT ON THE FLOOR (WHEREVER WE HAPPEN TO BE STANDING) AND TAKE A QUICK NAP

19. WE BEGIN LEAVING THE BUTTONS OPEN ON OUR BUTTON FLY PANTS TO CUT DOWN ON THE TIME WE'RE IN THE BATHROOM AWAY FROM OUR DRINK

20. WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT'S THEIR FAULT THAT WE'RE HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT[/b][/quote]

[RichardK]

Exercise Routine


If you're over 30, you might want to take it easy at first, then do
it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for
some.


Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!


SCROLL DOWN...







































































NOW SCROLL UP…

That's enough for the first day.

Great job.

Have a Beer.

[RichardK]

The Four Cats !

Four men were bragging about how smart their
cats were.

The first man was an Engineer,
the second man was an Accountant,
the third man was a Chemist

and the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat,
"T-square, do your stuff."
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some
paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square,
and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned
with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles
of 3 cookies.............Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his
cat and said,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,"Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of
milk,, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured
exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee
and said, "What can your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said
"CoffeeBreak,,,,do your stuff."

CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet,,,,,,,,,,,



ate the cookies,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,



drank the milk,,,,,,,,,



**** on the paper,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,



screwed the other three cats,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,



claimed he injured his back while doing so,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,



filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions,,,



put in for Workers Compensation...............and



went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.............

[RichardK]

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.



Karl said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying chooks. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." "What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.



Next little Emily raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chooks for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."



That was a fine story Emily. Mick, do you have a story to share?" “Yes. My dad told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was 3 bottles of rum, a machine gun and a machete. She drank all the rum on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your father tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay the f*** away from Aunty Sharon when she's been on the ****."

[RichardK]

This is hilarious.

This only takes a minute. Please don't be a bore and ruin it.

Send it on to everyone you know including the person that sent it to you.

Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you need some silliness to break up the day. And, if we are honest, we have a lot more stressful days than not.

Here is your dose of humor...Follow the instructions to find your new name. Once you have your new name, put it in the Subject box and forward it to friends and family. Don't forget to forward it back to the person who sent it to you, so they know you participated.

And don't go all adult - a senior manager is now known far and wide as Dorky Gizzardsniffer.

The following in an excerpt from a children's book, Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants by Dave Pilkey.

"The evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names..."

Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new first name:

a = snickle

b = doombah

c = goober

d = cheesey

e = crusty

f = greasy

g = dumbo

h = farcus

i = dorky

j = doofus

k = funky

l = boobie

m = sleezy

n = sloopy

o = fluffy

p = stinky

q = slimy

r = dorfus

s = snooty

t = tootsie

u = dipsy

v = sneezy

w = liver

x = skippy

y = dinky

z = zippy

Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:

a = dippin

b = feather

c = giggle

d = burger

e = chicken

f = barffy

g = lizard

h = waffle

i = ****le

j = monkey

k = flippin

l = fricken

m = bubble

n = rhino

o =potty

p = hamster

q = buckle

r = gizzard

s = lickin

t = snickle

u = chuckle

v = pickle

w = hubble

x = dingle

y = gorilla

z = girdle

Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:

a = butt

b = boob

c = face

d = nose

e = hump

f = breath

g = pants

h = shorts

i = lips

j = honker

k = head

l = tush

m = chunks

n = dunkin

o = brains

p = biscuits

q = toes

r = doodle

s = fanny

t = sniffer

u = sprinkles

v = frack

w = squirt

x = humperdinck

y = hiney

z = juice

Thus, for example, George W. Bush's new name is Fluffy Chucklefanny.

Now when you SEND THIS ON...use your newname as the subject.

And remember that children laugh an average of 146 times a day; adults laugh an average of 4 times a day.

Put more laughter in your day

My new name?????.....................Grooby Chickendoodle.................

but you can call me RichardK

[RichardK]

President Bush was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the
classes.

They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their
meanings.
The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion
on the word "tragedy".

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a
"tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on
a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills
him that would be a tragedy". "No," said Bush, "that would be an
accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children
drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would call a
great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the
room.

"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand.

In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs. Bush
was struck by a friendly fire missile and blown to smithereens - that
would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why
that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," said the boy, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly
wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f...ing accident
either".

[adm333]

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks,"What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the dwarf."

[Bushie]

A bloke is in a queue at the Supermarket when he notices that the rather
pretty blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and
although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says
"Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of
one of my children!"

He thinks quickly and his mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been in a compromising situation. "Christ!" he says "are you that stripper on my stag night that my mates introduced me to?"

The friendly smile disappears... "No," comes the frosty reply. "I'm your son's English Teacher."


Bushie

[Bushie]

The husband had just finished reading the book, 'MAN OF THE HOUSE'.

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to
his wife pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on,
I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and
my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal
tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a
sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are
going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm
finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and
comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The f$#@ing funeral director
would be my guess."



Bushie

[Grizzly_Adams]

This guy has always dreamed of owning a motorcycle. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After he picks out the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust. The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine.

A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on his bike and they ride to her parent's house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner does the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break the silence and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word.

Emboldened, he slips his hand under her blouse and fondles her breasts. Still no one says a word.

Finally, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word.

Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. Still no one speaks.

By now he is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his bike, so he gets his jacket, reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of
Vaseline.

The father says, "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!