Thread: Hot Chilli Woman!!!!

For all you chilli lovers out there or for those who understand exactly
what Judge 3 is going thru!

JUDGING THE CHILLI CONTEST

If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running down
your cheeks, then there's no hope for you!

** Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to
the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better!

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chilli Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to
town.

It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chilli taster named Frank, who was
visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli
cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened
to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the
Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:


Chilli # 1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli)

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


Chilli # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chilli)

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.


Chilli # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli)

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A bean less chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite. A large Texan barmaid pounded me on the
back, now my backbone is in my chest and I think I'm getting ****ed from
all of the beer!


Chilli # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chilli.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills. That bench-pressing
musclewoman is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm
eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?


Chilli # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
feinted. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. The other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those
rednecks.


Chilli # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of
spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.

Judge #3-- I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I
need to wipe my arse with a snow cone.


Chilli # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli)

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chilli peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to
match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed
me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


Chilli # 8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chilli)

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have reacted to
really hot chilli?

MMM hot chilli.
Can not eat it like my wifes Aunty though. Can not taste anything else the way she eats it. I made mild chilli prawns as most of the people can not eat hot. I put 1/2 teaspoon of pureed hot chilli in mine as additional adn this is too hot for most. She puts in another 4 teaspoons and does not even break a sweat.
8O