Thread: Jokes

Politically correct
A policeman spots a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a Ford car.
He radios for backup.
"What's the situation?"
"A big fat black bloke is dancing on a car roof."
"You can't say that over the radio" replies the operator, "You have to
use the politically correct terminology"
"OK" he says:
"Zulu....Tango....Sierra"

A Priest entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race and it won again.

The local paper read: PRIEST'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Priest not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Priest to get rid of the donkey.

The Priest decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted!

He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS HER ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is: being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

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Two Chimps and a Blonde

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?”

'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?'

'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Gold Coast Zoo.

They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me ? I' ll give you $100 for your trouble..'

'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!!

There was the blonde walking down the street holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

'What the heck are you doing here ?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'

'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over --- so now we're going to SeaWorld.

Found on another forum

Why Italians pass their handguns down through the family.....
An old Italian man is dying.
He calls his grandson to his bedside.. " Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man...
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's Up'?"

Question. Which is the most entomological of Shakespeare's plays?
Answer. Antennae and Coleoptera.

A man started with a new employer. First lunch break he was in the crowded canteen eating his lunch. Suddenly someone shouted out "Number 56" and everyone started to laugh. Someone else shouted out "Number 23" and once again every one laughed. The new guy turned to someone sitting beside him and asked what was going on. He was told that as every one had heard all of the jokes before they just numbered them and called out the number of the joke. Suddenly some one called out "Number 125" and the place erupted into hysterics. People were falling off chairs they were laughing so much. Once the laughter had eventually died down the new guy turned once again to the person next to him and asked what was so special about joke "Number 125" to cause such hilarity. "That's one no one had heard before" came the reply.

later that week our new employee decided he wanted to get into the game. Not long after the laughter had died down from someone calling out "Number 43" he called out "Number 57" and was met by bereft silence.

ashamedly he bowed his head, finished his lunch in silence while more numbers called seemingly at random bought more laughs. When the meal break was over he asked on of his co-workers quietly at the water cooler if joke number 57 was a particularly bad or distasteful joke.

His co-worker admitted that "no, its quite good, it was just the way you told it."