Thread: Jokes

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hahahahaha

Originally Posted by Buckaluckaducka

Telstra is committed to providing you with the highest levels of customer service

LONDON LAWYER V GLASGOW COP

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from
London and is certain he has a better education than any Jock cop.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cop's expense.

Glasgow cop says, 'Licence and registration, please.'

London lawyer says, 'What for?'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvtae come to a complete stop, that's the law, licence and registration, please!'

London lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

The London lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the crap out of the lawyer and says 'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you" She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, he says, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that - One, you have to be single and two, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!" "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfils the fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?" "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.

10. "Not-That-There's-Anything-Wrong- With-That Mountain"
9. "Wyatt Slurp"
8. "For A Few Dollars More We Can Make It A Threesome"
7. "Long Ranger"
6. "Go West Young Man...Now South...a Little More South...OH GOD YES RIGHT THERE!"
5. "Bunanza"
4. "The Good, The Bad and the Fabulous"
3. "Broke My Back Mounting Him"
2. "Fun With Dick In James"
1. "Oklahomo"

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH :

1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound intelligent
2. Own half the world's perfume industry and still never use deodorant
3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs
4. If there's a war you can surrender really early
5. You don't have to read the subtitles on late night films on Channel SBS
6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries
7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star
8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride
9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just sh*t in the street
10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not



TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN :

1. You can have a woman president without electing her
2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it
3. You can call Budweiser beer
4. You can be a crook/adulterer and still be president
5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun
7. You can invent a new public holiday every year
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care
9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy"
10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth for no reason at all



TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH :

1. Two World Wars and One World Cup doo-dah doo-dah
2. Warm beer
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events
5. Union jack underpants
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power
8. Fish and chips (with or without a mullet)
9. Beats being Welsh
10. Or Scottish

Originally Posted by sashadidi

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN :

1. You can have a woman president without electing her
2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it
3. You can call Budweiser beer
4. You can be a crook/adulterer and still be president
5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun
7. You can invent a new public holiday every year
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care
9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy"
10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth for no reason at all

Point 1/We have an unelected (bogan) female PM.
3/ Some people call 4X beer
4/Most of our politicians are crooks

5/Same.

7/Ozz, The land of the long weekend

8/You can ride a push bike in the most hideous cloths and nobody seems to care. (until a group forms and holds up traffic)

9/ You get to call everyone you've never met mate.

Dave

The speech therapist

Over in the U.K., a very pretty young speech therapist
was getting nowhere with her
“Stammerers Action Group”.
She had tried every technique in the book
without the slightest success. No-one was improving.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said
"If any of you can tell me, without stuttering,
the name of the town where you were born
I will have wild and passionate sex with
you until your muscles ache and your eyes water.
So, who wants to go first?"

The Englishman piped up.
"B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham."

"That's no use, Trevor," said the speech therapist. "Who's next?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out
"P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".

“That's no better.
There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.”

“How about you, Paddy?”

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out
" London ."

“Brilliant, Paddy!” said the speech therapist and immediately set about
living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for
breath and Paddy said

"-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".: