Thread: Jokes

Barry and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft mechanics in
Melbourne .

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'
Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.

You wanna try it?'
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'

Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this
more often.'

'Yeah, well there's just one thing.'

'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T, ' cause I'm in Perth '

Judy married Ted and had 13 children. Then Ted died of cancer.

She married again, and she and Bob had 7 more children. Then Bob was killed in a car accident.

Judy again remarried, and she had 5 more children with John.

Eventually, after bearing 25 children, Judy died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her, thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret ...

"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied, "I think he means her legs, Ethel...."

Sign posted at a golf club in Scotland


1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.

2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP..

3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!

4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.

5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.

6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.

7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.

8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.

9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.

10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE... NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, WASH YOUR HANDS AND GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF.__._,_.___

Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him doing a striptease to a large piece of farm machinery.

Mick shouts "what da **** are ya doing Paddy?"

Paddy replies "well me and Mary haven't been getting on lately, so our therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor"

Indian Student


It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named

Chandrasekhar Subramanian

entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said,

"Let's begin by reviewing some American History.

Who said

"Give me Liberty , or give me Death"?

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his
hand up:

"Patrick Henry, 1775"

he said.

"Very good!"

Who said

"Government of the People, by the People, for the People,
shall not perish from the Earth?"

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar.

"Abraham Lincoln, 1863"

said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class,

"Class, you should be ashamed.

Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its
history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper:

"**** the Indians,"

"Who said that?"

she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.

"General Custer, 1862."

At that point, a student in the back said,

"I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares around and asks

"All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Chandrasekhar says,

"George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,
1991."

Now furious, another student yells,

"Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the
teacher ,

"Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said

"You little ****. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice,

" Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004."

The teacher fainted.

And as the class gathered around the teacher on
the floor, someone said,

"Oh ****, we're ****ed!"

And Chandrasekhar said quietly,

I think it was George Bush, Iraq , 2007."

Thought this fitted best in the Jokes thread:

Originally Posted by KarlB

Thought this fitted best in the Jokes thread:

that link locked up my computer!

Worked fine for me.