Thread: Jokes

Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.

10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave,
Because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping...

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.
He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'
'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'

Originally Posted by superquag

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.
He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'
'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'

I opened the local paper one day and found out that I was now living in Scotland.Bit of a shock to me and the mrs.Always been meaning to go there etc.

A man in Michigan 's Upper Peninsula wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough..there's an ad for "Up North Bear Removers."He calls the number and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van.
He's got a ladder, a baseball Bat, 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean heavily scarred old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.


I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.


"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.


"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

Originally Posted by spudfan

I opened the local paper one day and found out that I was now living in Scotland.Bit of a shock to me and the mrs.Always been meaning to go there etc.

Understand the feeling... Have great admiration for most members of the Thin Blue Line... but never imagined that I'd be a copper (ok, 'sherriff) in Wyoming...- Plus they got the name wrong, it's not 'Walt'

Still, nice to see one's name across the Wide Screen. - Gotta be a wide screen as the name is, um, ...pretty long.

James in Gosnells

Q: What's the difference between a capitalist fairy tale and a Marxist fairy tale?
A: The capitalist fairy tale starts out; "once upon a time there was....", The Marxist fairy tale starts out; "some day there will be...."

Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes. "Who sneezed?" Silence. "First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot, and he asks again, "Who sneezed, Comrades?" No answer. "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot too. "Well, who sneezed?" At last a sobbing cry resounds in the Congress Hall, "It was me! Me!" Stalin says, "Bless you, Comrade!"

At a May Day parade, a very old Jew carries a placard which reads, "Thank you, comrade Stalin, for my happy childhood!" The Party representative approaches the old man. "What's that? Are you deriding our Party? Everybody can see, when you were a child, comrade Stalin was not yet born!" The old man replies, "That's precisely what I'm grateful to him for!"

Stalin and Roosevelt are arguing which country is more democratic - USA or Soviet Union. Roosevelt claims that every American can shout in the front of the White House "Down with Roosevelt". Stalin replies that in Soviet Union as well, everybody can shout in the Red Square "Down with Roosevelt".

A hotel. A room for four with four strangers. Three of them soon open a bottle of vodka and proceed to get acquainted, then drunk, then noisy, singing and telling political jokes. The fourth one desperately tries to get some sleep; finally, frustrated, he surreptitiously leaves the room, goes downstairs, and asks the lady concierge to bring tea to Room 67 in ten minutes. Then he returns and joins the party. Five minutes later, he bends over an ashtray and says with utter nonchalance: "Comrade Major, some tea to Room 67, please." In a few minutes, there's a knock at the door, and in comes the lady concierge with a tea tray. The room falls silent; the party dies a sudden death, and the conspirator finally gets to sleep. The next morning he wakes up alone in the room. Surprised, he runs downstairs and asks the concierge where his neighbors had gone. "You don't need to know!" she answers. "B-but... but what about me?" asks the guy in terror. "Oh, you... well... Comrade Major liked your tea gag a lot."

The KGB, the GIGN (or in some versions of the joke, the FBI) and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that the rabbit does not exist. The GIGN (or FBI) goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming. The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!". After the disclosure of NSA surveillance by Edward Snowden, who had taken refuge in Moscow, an alternative version of the joke has appeared in which the NSA is included in the search for rabbit and their tactic consists of spending two weeks wiretapping the forest and collecting the rabbit's metadata. They fail to find the rabbit but instead arrest all the other animals who were in communication with the rabbit prior to the search: They lost their freedom of privacy once the rabbit became wanted.

A frightened man came to the KGB "My talking parrot disappeared." "This is not our case. Go to the criminal police." "Excuse me. Of course I know that I have to go to them. I am here just to tell you officially that I disagree with that parrot."

The newly arrived Russian immigrant tried his best to answer the questions posed by the journalist: "How was life for you in Russia?" / "Couldn't complain". "Did you like your job there?" / "Couldn't complain". "And how was the schooling for your children?" / "Couldn't complain". "So, you were happy in Russia?" / "Couldn't complain". "Well, then," the journalist continued, "if you couldn't complain why have you come to Israel/USA?" / "Because here I can complain!"

"Dad, can I have the car keys?" / "Ok, but don't lose them. We will get the car in just seven years!"

When Putin was little, he broke a cup. The spilled water turned into oceans and the splinters became continents.
Putin once built a fully functional MiG when he was 5, and proceeded to shoot down 16 American spy planes.
A spoon that Putin ate from can heal cataracts and glaucoma. A fork that Putin ate from can slay a vampire with one stab.
Putin can speak with animals.
If Putin walks in the forest at night and wants to take a nap, bears come to serve as blankets while he sleeps.
When Putin smiles, a child is born in Russia. If the smile is wider than usual, expect twins. When he is sad, the national suicide statistics go up.
Pluto stopped being classified as a planet because Putin once commented on how silly its name was during a dinner with the top astronomers.
A chair that Putin sat on gets promoted to the rank of Major General.
Putin can scratch his own heel without bending over.
Shirts worn by Putin are sent to a secret military facility and converted to the strongest layer of armor for the Russian tanks.
Socks worn by Putin are routinely dropped on Chechen rebels.
Putin knows every Russian citizen’s name, address, and phone number. If you say a dirty word, Putin will call you in the evening to reprimand you.
When Putin’s name is typed, the first letter capitalizes itself.
By squinting his eye Putin can read and write multimedia DVDs.
Putin’s stare has downed 15 American satellites spying over the Kremlin.
Putin’s stare penetrates a ten foot lead wall and brings a kettle to a boil within 10 seconds from three miles away. For public safety he must wear special contact lenses at all times.
Chechen rebels blow themselves up when they hear Putin’s true name.
Saying Putin’s name repeatedly contributes to the common good in the universe.
Putin inhales carbon dioxide and exhales oxygen, ensuring the continuation of life on the planet.
Putin’s love for humankind heats up the planet by 2.35 degrees annually – a phenomenon also known as global warming.
Everything Putin touches turns into a national project.
If a sunbeam shines beautifully through the clouds, Putin is nearby.
If you shake hands with Putin you will be taken to heaven alive.
If you hate Putin you may die early through your own fault.
When Putin drives a vehicle, its engine gains 1,000 horsepower.
Putin doesn’t need a mattress; he levitates in his sleep at an average citizen’s eye level.
Once a month the full moon howls at Putin.
Putin appeared in Thomas Edison’s dream and revealed how to live in harmony with the Universe. But all Edison could remember in the morning was how to make the light bulb.
Putin can power up a microphone with his stare and shut down the Windows Media Player with his voice.
Putin can find out your home address just by looking at your comment on any website.
Putin can browse the Internet with a pocket calculator.
Putin’s dog saved the world at least four times.
A combination of Putin’s fingerprints reveals the State Seal of the Russian Federation.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

A New-Russian's son complains to his father: "Daddy, all my schoolmates are riding the bus, and I look like a black sheep in this 600 Merc." — "No worries, son. I'll buy you a bus, and you'll ride like everyone else!"

A guy finds an old bottle, picks it up and opens it. Genie comes out of the bottle and says: "Thanks so much for letting me out! I feel I should do something for you, too. Would you like to become a Hero of the Soviet Union?" (Hero of the Soviet Union was the highest Soviet award). The guy says: "Yes, sure!" Next thing he knows, he finds himself on a battlefield, alone against eight enemy tanks, and in his hands he has eight grenades. (sometimes there are five German panzers and only three grenades).

A drunkard is searching for something under a streetlamp. A passerby asks: "What are you searching for?" The drunkard responds: "My housekeys." They start searching together. Ten minutes later the passerby asks: "Are you sure you lost them here?" The drunkard says: "I lost them over there, but there's more light here."

A person on a bus tells a joke: "Do you know why policemen always go in pairs?" / "No, why?" / "It's specialization: one knows how to read, the other — how to write." / A hand promptly grabs him by the shoulder — a policeman is standing right behind him! "Your papers!" he barks. The hapless person surrenders his papers. The policeman opens them, reads, and nods to his partner: "Write him up a citation for slandering the Soviet Militsiya, Vasya.

A Chukcha comes into a shop and asks: "Do you have color TVs?" "Yes, we do." "Give me a green one."

A Chukcha and a Russian geologist go hunting polar bears. They track one down at last. Seeing the bear, the Chukcha shouts "Run!" and starts running away. The Russian shrugs, raises his gun and shoots the bear. "Russian hunter bad hunter!" the Chukcha exclaims. "Ten miles to the yaranga you haul this bear yourself!"

A Ukrainian tourist is questioned at international customs:
— Are you carrying any weapons or drugs?
— What are drugs?
— They make you get high.
— Yes, salo.
— But salo is not a drug.
— When I eat salo, I get high!

The Soviet Union has launched the first man into space. A Ukrainian shepherd, standing on top of a hill, shouts over to another Ukrainian on another hill to tell the news. "Mykola!" / "Yes!" / "The moskali have flown to space!" / "All of them?" / "No, just one." / "So why are you bothering me then?"

An Estonian stands by a railway track. Another Estonian passes by on a handcar, pushing the pump up and down. The first one asks: "Iis iitt a llonngg wwayy ttoo Ttallinn?" — "Nnoot ttoo llonngg." He gets on the car and joins pushing the pump up and down. After two hours of silent pumping the first Estonian asks again: "Iis iitt a llonngg wwayy ttoo Ttallinn?" — "Nnooow iiitt iiiis llonngg wwayy."

Abram cannot sleep, tossing and turning from side to side... Finally his wife Sarah protests: "Abram, what's bothering you?" / "I owe Moishe 20 roubles, but I have no money. What shall I do?" / Sarah bangs on the wall and shouts to the neighbors: "Moishe! My Abram still owes you 20 roubles? Well he isn't giving them back!" Turning to her husband she says: "Now go to sleep and let Moishe stay awake!"

"Chinese hackers cracked Pentagon's server. Each of them tried to login with the password "Mao Tse-Tung". On the 2,934,568th attempt the server agreed."

"When a child is born in a Chinese family, there is an ancient tradition: a silver spoon is dropped on the jade floor. The sound the spoon makes will be the name of the newborn.


A Frenchman, a German, and a Russian go on a safari and are captured by cannibals. They are brought to the chief, who says, "We are going to eat you right now. But I am a civilized man, I studied human rights at the Patrice Lumumba University in Moscow, so I'll grant each of you a last request." The German asks for a mug of beer and a bratwurst. He gets it and the cannibals eat him. The Frenchman asks for three girls. He has crazy sex with them, and then follows the German. The Russian asks: "Hit me hard, right on my nose." The chief is surprised, but hits him. The Russian pulls out a Kalashnikov and shoots all the cannibals. The mortally wounded chief asks him: "Why didn't you do this before we ate the German?", the Russian proudly replies: "Russians are not aggressors!" (This joke has also been used as a Jewish joke; more specifically, as an Israeli joke, alluding to Israel's being constantly afraid of being seen as the 'aggressor'.)

Private Ivanov, dig a trench from the fence to lunchtime!"

A Soviet newspaper reports: "Last night the Chernobyl Nuclear Powerstation fulfilled the Five Year Plan of heat energy generation in 4 microseconds."

"Nurse, where're we going?" / "To the morgue."/ "But I haven't died yet!"/ "Well, we haven't arrived yet."

A memo in a student dining hall: "Students, do not drop your food on the floor, two cats have already been poisoned!".

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

Vasiliy Ivanovich, enemy tanks are attacking!
- Take the grenades from the shelf, Petka.
Some time later.
- Whew! We've beaten them back!
- Good, Petka. Now, put the grenades back to the shelf.

A Chukcha is spotted playing chess with a polar bear. People say, "Look, such a smart bear!" "Not so smart, - says the Chukcha, - I'm leading 3 to 2!"

Karl Marx dies and stands trial before St. Peter.
St. Peter: "The ideas you preach have brought misery to billions. I send you to the deepest pits of Hell!"
After a few months Satan calls God:
Satan: "God, please remove Marx from my realm as soon as it is possible."
God: "Why would I do that? He is a sinner, his fate is to burn in Hell."
Satan: "He is creating great turmoil! First he made all the imps pioneers, then he started to unite the devils into labor unions, and now he's preparing a revolution!"
God agrees to take Marx in Heaven so that Hell does not break loose. After a few months Satan calls God again:
Satan: "Hey, God, how's it going?"
God: "First of all, comrade Satan, you are to address me properly as "comrade God". Second, I do not have time since Marx has urgently called me on a party session, and third, there is no God."

When Leonid Brezhnev became General Secretary of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union, he went home to his village to tell his elderly mother.
Brezhnev: Mama, you would not believe how far I've come. I now have a personal motor car and chauffeur who drives me wherever I want to go. I have an apartment in the Kremlin, better than you can imagine. I shop at a store only for Party members where I buy things not available anywhere else. And now that I am General Secretary, you can have all this too.
Brezhnev's Mother: All this is very fine, Leonid, but what will you do if the Communists come to power and confiscate your wealth?

Commissioner: How are the potatoes this year?
Headman: Comrade, the potatoes, when piled up, reach to the feet of God!
Commissioner: Excellent! But, I hope you're aware that God doesn't actually exist.
Headman:: Indeed. Nor do the potatoes!

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7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40

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A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt
................. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
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Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Years Riots....
Your One Year Manufacturers Warranty Runs Out Soon

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"ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY" and with tears streaming down my face
I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel!!!

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2 Indian junkies accidental snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. They’re both in hospital... one's in a korma…
the other's got a dodgy tikka!

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The 100m final at the 2012 Olympics was just like any other Friday night in Brixton.
You heard a gunshot followed by 8 black guys legging it!

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In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper, lead
and anything else they could get their bloody hands on

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Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a middle aged couple from Weymouth

Polish Divorce!

A Polish man moved to the UK and married a British girl.
Although his English was not perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him to arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got proof.

What kind of proof?
She going to poison me.

She buy a bottle at drug store and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read English pretty good, and it say: