Thread: Jokes

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realised much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mummy She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm and her plane was hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whisky, a pistol and a survival knife.


She drank the whisky on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Don't mess with Mummy when she's been on the whisky."

Dear Folks as you are interested in the political situation.

This is a dire warning.

Military Warning From Pakistan....
This morning, the Pakistan Minister of Immigration, Mohammed Omar Upperkhan, warned Australia to cease all military activities in Afghanistan.

He stated that if it does not stop immediately, Pakistan authorities will cut off Australia's supply of Cab Drivers, ………. and if this action does not yield sufficient results, Telstra Customer Service Reps will be next, followed by Centrelink Officers, Telemarketers, Supermarket trolley collectors and finally, Queensland Doctors.


THIS IS STARTING TO GET UGLY

Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy. Paddy took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..

In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Paddy said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your blood shot eyes, but mostly, it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

This probably should not be in the Jokes section as it is no Joke!

How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?

QUESTION:
You're on duty by yourself (don't ask why, you just are and your Sergeant hates you) walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and lunges at you.
You are carrying your police issued Glock and you are an expert shot, however you have only a split second to react before he reaches you.
What do you do?

ANSWER:
Australian Police Officer:

Firstly the officer must consider the man's Human Rights.

1) Does the man look poor or oppressed?
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?
3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?
4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
5) Am I dressed provocatively?
6) Could I run away?
7) Could I possibly swing my gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong doings?
9) Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
10) Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society?
11) Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
12) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?
13) If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head
and kills himself? .
14) If I shoot and wound him, and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to
sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?




Canadian Police Officer:
BANG!


American Police Officer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
'click'...Reload...
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:

A. Lovemaking.

B. Screwing.

C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.


2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:

A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.

B. Your blood-test results.

C. Five tequila slammers.


3. You always time your orgasm so that:

A. Your partner climaxes first.

B. You both climax simultaneously.

C. You don't miss Footie on sky sports.


4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

A. Healthy, creative love-play.

B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.

C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.


5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:

A. The best part of the experience.

B. The second best part of the experience.

C. $100 extra.


6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:

A. Of no influence on your affection for her.

B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.

C. A conservative estimate.


7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

A. A myth.

B. An oxymoron.

C. A moron.


8. Foreplay is to sex as:

A. An appetizer is to an entree.

B. Primer is to paint.

C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.


9. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.

B. Is uptight and a waste of time.

C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.


Evaluating Results:

If you answered A more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man.

If you answered B more than 7 times, check into therapy. You're a little confused.

If you answered C more than 7 times, you're a healthy average male.

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit the Middle East . Two million Muslims died and over a million were injured.

Iraq and Iran are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.

The USA is sending troops to help.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Latin American countries are sending supplies.

New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.

The Asian countries are sending labour to assist in rebuilding the Infrastructure.

Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.

GREAT BRITAIN , not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Muslims.

God Bless GREAT BRITAIN ....
I say ! - those Brits are smart.

Fifty shades of garden shed


> The Novel "Fifty Shades of Grey" has seduced women and
> baffled blokes. This is the man's understanding of what
> the bits in the book actually mean:
>
> We tried various positions - round the back, on the side,
> up against a wall...
> but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the
> garden was the only place for a good shed.
>
> She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
> "I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do
> whatever you want with me."
> So I took her to McDonalds.
>
> She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at
> first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with
> pleasure. Now for the other boot.
>
> Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds
> of ropes, chains and shackles.
> She still manages to get into the shed, though.
>
> "Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed,
> calmly."Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.
> "Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that
> asbestos in the shed roof."
>
> "I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I
> need to be punished."
> So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
>
> "Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly.
> "Harder!" "Okay," I said. "What's the gross national
> product of Nicaragua?"
>
> I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed
> window. Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my
> rhubarb had come up a treat.
>
> "Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded,
> brandishing stilettos. "I think so," I gulped. "Here we
> go, then," she said, and showed me the receipt.
>
> "Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over
> my workbench. "Very well," I replied. "You've got fat
> ankles and no dress sense."
>
> "Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you
> won't be able to sit down for weeks." She nodded."Okay," I
> said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.
>
> "Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real
> man can!""Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat
> up.
>
> "Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she
> said, gently massaging my back as we listened to her
> Coldplay CD

Originally Posted by Mr Whippy

> "Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she
> said, gently massaging my back as we listened to her
> Coldplay CD