Thread: Jokes

The debate of how and will the one sex will function without the other has been ongoing for generations. We are now going to solve it once and for all. First we look at the world without men...

FIRST DAY
The power goes off. All electrical devices are now useless. Many trucks laden with food sit idle. Supermarket shelves are left unstocked.

FIRST MONTH
Women in towns are starving. The economy is dead. Women are forming gangs to loot whatever food is left and kill anyone that opposes them. 10% are now dead.

FIRST YEAR
Hardly anyone is left alive in the cities. Women forage for any food they can get. The buildings are falling apart. 90% are dead

TEN YEARS WITHOUT MALES
99% of the population is dead

ONE HUNDRED YEARS WITHOUT MALES
The last female died 50 years ago. Nature has taken over the planet

Now let's look at the world without women...

FIRST DAY
Chaos ensues in all businesses. The work force has all but disappeared. Credit card companies and banks lose 89% of their clientele.

FIRST WEEK
Female retail stores close, 95% of shoe stores close. Other stores still open and trading normal. Electricity gas and other utilities continue to function.

FIRST MONTH
Retailers show a downturn in profit by 70%. Men now have more money to spend and are starting to think on what to spend the extra money on: new car, boat, fishing gear. The government is talking about reducing taxes Stock market is gaining ground.

FIRST YEAR
The government has halved the tax rate from the previous year and still has a massive surplus. There is a boom in leisure activities.

TEN YEARS WITHOUT WOMEN
Scientist in Tokyo, Paris and London discover how to clone human cells to make babies. A new generation of humans is already on the way. Life is getting better.

ONE HUNDRED YEARS WITHOUT WOMEN
The lifespan of man has increased by 15 years due to lack of stress.

How do you know if someone you invite to a dinner party is a vegan?
Don't worry, they'll ****ing tell you.

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Adelaide, they have weekly husbands marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nice, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?


'Giuseppe proudly replied,
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" I gonna go pick her up."

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it

Statistically , 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy

An opinion poll held in Scotland has revealed that a great majority of Scots are in favour of global warming. They give the most important reasons as:-

1 - Scotland is a cold country and they wouldn't mind it being warmer.

2 - When the oceans rise, the Scots can sit on the Highlands and watch the English drown.

John Cleese has it about right:

"The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "****ed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

-- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person.

I went to Bunnings recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "you're definitely going to crap yourself" road-kill chilli. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.
Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Bunnings, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the kitchen. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a trolly and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, bugger, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chilli from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odour might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began
to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help. I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally?
Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odour so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off
angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!!
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean.
With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the toilet, began the inevitable 'Oh my God',
floating above the toilet seat because my tushy is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, Son-of-a-pregnant dog!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.
Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled trolly intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes.
It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'
My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU!" then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return. Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chilli, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes.
I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.
The ****** claim they're going to have to repaint the store.