Thread: Jokes

A dairy farmer wins $10 million on Tatts and a reporter asks him, "What will you do with the money?"

After thinking about it, he replies, "I suppose I'll keep farming until it runs out."

On a similar note, Richard Branson (founder of the Virgin group of companies) once said something along the lines of 'the fastest way to become a millionaire, is to start as a billionaire, and then open an airline'.

There was a farmer who had many pigs.

One day someone went to the farm and asked the farmer, "What do you use to feed your pigs?"

"Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things like that... whatever is cheap and available. Why?"

"Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you do not feed them like you should, they should not eat wastes."

Then he fined the farmer.

Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question.

The farmer answered, "Well, I feed them very well. I give them salmon, caviar, shrimp, steak...why?"

"Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it is unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to eat."

And he fined the farmer.

Finally, another man came in and asked just the same question.

The hesitant farmer answered after a few minutes, "Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever they want."

Ten Commandments of Marriage

Commandment 1 -
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2 -
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3 -
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4 -
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5 -
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6 -
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7 -
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish talking.

Commandment 8 -
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9 -
Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding, economical and a considerate lover, but again, the law allows only one husband.

Commandment 10 -
Man is incomplete until he marries. After that, he is finished.

After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, my Uncle Bob was hired by a warehouse.

But one day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock.

Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he would have to withhold 10 percent of Uncle Bob his wages to pay for the repairs.

"How much will it cost?" asked my uncle.

"About $4,500," said the owner.?

"What a relief!" exclaimed Uncle Bob, "I finally got job security!"

Originally Posted by Toxic_Avenger

On a similar note, Richard Branson (founder of the Virgin group of companies) once said something along the lines of 'the fastest way to become a millionaire, is to start as a billionaire, and then open an airline'.

Or buy a Landrover.


A bit like the old joke:

Q. How do you get a kiwi into a small business.

A. Put him in a big one and wait.

I remember the time I took my son out for his first beer.
Off we went to the pub, which was only two blocks from home.

I got him a XXXX but he didn't like it (Don't blame him) so I drank it (under sufferance)
Then I got him a Great Northern. He didn't like that either so I drank it.
Finally I thought he might like a VB. He didn't. I had to drink it.

Then I thought maybe he would like whiskey better than beer, so we tried a Johnnie Walker, nope
In desperation I tried a Chivas Regal , but he wouldn't even smell it.

What could I do but drink it?

By the time I realised by lad did not like to drink, I was so ****ed I could hardly push his pram home.

I came home early from work only to find my best mate in bed with my missus.
Overcome by anger, I grabbed a knife and stabbed him to death.
The missus, shook her head, looked at me and said, " Keep that up and, pretty soon, you'll have no mates left."