Thread: Jokes

100 MPH GOAT

Two Montana rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground.

They approach and are amazed at the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is!"

The second hunter says," I don't know. Let's throw somethin' down there and listen to see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "Hey, there's an old automobile transmission over there. Give me a hand, we'll throw it in and see."

So they pick it up and carry it over and count one, two, three and heave it In the hole.

They are standing there listening, looking over the edge when they hear a rustling behind them. As they turn around, they see a goat come crashing through the
underbrush, run up to the hole and, without hesitation, jump headfirst into the hole.

While they are standing there staring at each other in amazement and peering into the hole trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer saunters up.

"Hey there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' bout a hunnert miles an
hour and jumped head first into this here hole!"

The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible! I had him chained to a transmission."

My daughter came home from school today and told me her math teacher asked her in class.....

"if you had $1 and your Dad gave you $1 how much would you have?"

My daughter replied $1

Her teacher said "you don't know your math"

My daughter replied "you don't know my Dad"

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool . I gave him a glass of water .

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order Chicken Surprise. The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."






"Ahh so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck."

More hearing problems.
Jarvis comes back to his Alabama home after visiting the doctor, goes to his bedroom and emerges resplendant in a suit and tie, shiny shoes and a top hat.
His wife Peaches, who hasn't seen him looking that good since their wedding day, asks what he is doing.
"The doctor said I am impotent, so I figure if I am impotent I better dress like I'm impotent," he replies.

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Two arabs are sitting in a bar in Kabul
One arab takes out his wallet and starts flipping through the pictures he has inside.
"This is my oldest son. He's a martyr. And this here is my second son- he is also a martyr!"
The second Arab nods, ?They blow up so fast, don't they?"

An elderly parish priest was tending his garden near a convent when a passerby stopped to inquire after the priest his much-loved roses.
"Not bad," said the priest, "but they suffer from a disease peculiar to this area known as the black death."
"What on earth is that?" asked the passerby, anxious to increase his garden knowledge.
"Nuns with scissors."

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

"Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini."

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,

"Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?"

"Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."