Thread: Jokes

I saw a lady texting and driving today.
'How Irresponsible' I thought.
So I rolled down my wondow and threw my beer bottle at her.

Hi

http://i.imgur.com/WChIRlx.gifv

Cheers

Sent from my GT-N5110 using AULRO mobile app

Sooooo predictable.
How can anyone not realise what would happen?

Originally Posted by Fifth Columnist

Sooooo predictable.
How can anyone not realise what would happen?

As the old Yorkshire saying goes - 'There's nought so dumb as folk...'

An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told ayoung female neighbor
That if she wanted to live a long life the secret was to sprinkle apinch of
Gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning.

She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103.

She left behind 14children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five
Great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium usedto be.

My girlfriend treats me like God.

She ignores my existence, and only talks to me when she needs something

Patrick was a youthful and hardworking Irishman at a Coastal village in Ireland. Daily he would pole a heavy old punt out to sea, then work a heavy iron grapple to bring up the many sand oysters, which he sold to the local ice works.
He was a man of regular habits, and he always arrived home each day at a certain time. Sadly, Paddy did not realise the heavy grappling was taking a toll on a faulty heart. One day he failed to come home, so his wife contacted the Police to investigate him being missing.
They rowed out, and found Paddy dead in the punt, and beside him was a huge grapple full of oysters he'd tried to hoist aboard.
Headlines next day in the 'Irish Times Newspaper' Said........
Wait for it!
Wait for it!







OYSTERS KILPATRICK !!!!

Husband went to the police department to report that his wife was missing...

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Colour of eyes?

Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sergeant: Colour of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I think.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: A 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission and climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, which has a matching aftermarket bed liner. Custom leather 6-way seats and "Bubba" floor mats. Trailer package with gold hitch and special wiring hook-ups. DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio receiver, 23-channel CB radio, six cup holders, a USB port, and four power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Goodyear Wranglers. It has custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting.

At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Take it easy, Buddy, we'll find your truck.