Thread: Jokes

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she
cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

Originally Posted by BMKal

Mick walks into Paddy's barn and finds him dancing naked in front of a tractor.

"Oi Paddy," Mick calls out. "What are ye doing ?"

Paddy replies, "Well me and Moira haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately, and the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor".

An Australian man (name unknown) living in Ireland meets an Irish girl named Mary. They get along very well together and start a steady relationship.
The Australian male (name unknown) turned out to be a perfect gentleman and treated Mary with the utmost courtesy and respect. So much so that Mary began to worry as to why the Australian boyfriend (still don't know his name) never made an advances of a physical nature towards her. She began to think that perhaps the boyfriend from the Antipodes (still hav'nt found out what his name was) didn't find her attractive in a physical way. This began to get Mary down so she decided that on the next date with the boyfriend from downunder (just found out that his name was Albert) she'd ask him directly as to why he hadn't made any advances of a physical nature towards her.
On their next encounter Mary broached the subject as to why Albert had not initiated any type of a physical relationship between them. The truth came out.
Albert said that he had lived in the outback in Australia all alone for many years and had NEVER had any type of physical intimacy with a woman. Thus he did not know how to bring the relationship with Mary to that level even though he found Mary to be a very attractive proposition..
Now on hearing this Mary was a little taken aback that a grown man could be so innocent in this way but very relieved that he found her attractive in a physical way. She told him not to worry but that she would help the situation along.
So Mary and Albert headed for Mary's abode. Mary thought that a little alcohol might help Albert to relax so she opened a couple of bottles and they sat, talked and imbibed. When Mary deemed that Albert had relaxed sufficiently under the influence of the alcohol, she led him by the hand upstairs to her bedroom. She led him in and told him to prepare himself for a whole new experience. Mary then left to go to another room to remove her clothes and put on something else (not very much it would seem) more appropriate to the upcoming encounter. She wanted this to be special for Albert both visually and physically, seeing as it was his first physical encounter with a woman.
So Mary headed back down the hall and opened the bedroom door revealing herself in all her little attired glory to Albert. Yes there he stood in the middle of the bedroom stark naked......but with all of the bedroom furniture INCLUDING the bed stacked against the walls.
A little perplexed Mary asked Albert as to why he had stacked all of the furniture, including the all important bed against the walls.
"Well " said Albert " As you know I've never had physical relations with a woman but if it is anything like having them with a kangaroo we'll need all the space we can get"