Thread: Jokes

1. If You're Choking On An Ice Cube, Simply Pour A Cup Of Boiling Water Down Your Throat. Presto! The Blockage Will Instantly Remove Itself.

2. Avoid Cutting Yourself When Slicing Vegetables By Getting Someone Else To Hold The Vegetables While You Chop.

3. Avoid Arguments With The Females About Lifting The Toilet Seat - Use The Sink.

4. For High Blood Pressure Sufferers ~ Simply Cut Yourself And Bleed For A Few Minutes, Thus Reducing The Pressure On Your Veins. Remember To Use A Timer.

5. A Mouse Trap Placed On Top Of Your Alarm Clock Will Prevent You From Rolling Over And Going Back To Sleep After You Hit The Snooze Button.

6. If You Have A Bad Cough, Take A Large Dose Of Laxatives. Then You'll Be Afraid To Cough.

7. You Only Need Two Tools In Life - Wd-40 And Duct Tape. If It Doesn't Move And Should, Use The Wd-40. If It Shouldn't Move And Does, Use The Duct Tape.

8. Remember - Everyone Seems Normal Until You Get To Know Them.

9. If You Can't Fix It With A Hammer, You've Got An Electrical Problem.

Who says men don't remember anniversaries

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why
are you down here at this time of night?".

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.
"Yes I do! " she replies.

The husband paused.
#The words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember when
your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued......."Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said......
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.
.
.
.
.
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"I would have gotten out today."

Little Johnny’s parents were getting a divorce.

The judge awarded custody to Johnny’s mother. Johnny jumped up and yelled at the judge “ I don’t want to live with Mum. She beats me.”

The judge then awarded custody to Johnny’s father. Again Johnny jumped to his feet and yelled at the judge “ I don’t want to live with Dad. He beats me too.”

The judge turned to Johnny and asked “ Well who do you want to live with then?” Johnny replied “ The NSW State of Origin team. They don’t beat anybody!”

An elderly man in Adelaide calls his son in Sydney And says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Brisbane and tell her," and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."She calls her dad immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. Okay," he says, "They're coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."

A Kiwi walks into his local Centrelink office, marches straight up to
The counter and says, "Hi! I hate being on the dole. I'd really rather have a job."

The clerk behind the Centrelink desk says, "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur come bodyguard for his 18 year old nymphomaniac daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of
your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips.
You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting Salary is $200,000 a year".

The guy says, "You're bullsh***ing me,bro !"

The Centrelink officer says, "Yeah, well, you started it".

A blonde walked into a store to buy curtains.

She went up to the salesman and said, "I want those pink curtains to fit my computer screen.

The salesman mentioned, "Computers don't need curtains."

The blonde said, "Hellooo…. Its got windows!"

Roger, in his 10th grade at school, was sent home from school for having sex with his teacher.
Upon getting home, his mother demanded his father ground him for his lewd behaviour.
Instead, the father, having one of those 'proud dad' moments, resisted, instead saying "Good job, son! I didn't have sex with my teacher until I was in second year university. Come on, son, let's go get you that bike you wanted, you're now my young man."
The mother was flabbergasted.

And so, Roger and his father went down to the local shops and got him the bike he had always wanted. As they were going back home, the father says to Roger, "Well son, why don't you ride your new bike back home?"
Roger replies, "Aww gee dad, I'd love to, but my ass is still sore!"

Plot twist...
It was scripture class at a catholic school