Jokes

**Xtreme** · 1st July 2015, 06:11 PM

An Infantry Major was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Major decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Captain chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.

A Lieutenant said it was 50-50%.

A 2nd Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the Major turned to the Private who was in charge of making the coffee.

What was his opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young Private responded: "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The Major was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

God Bless the lower ranks

**AndyG** · 4th July 2015, 10:31 AM

Thumbnail, bloody aulro doc management

**AndyG** · 4th July 2015, 10:33 AM

GHOST SEX

A professor was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel
for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any
of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

That's really good. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of
you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've
been giving this lecture; no one has ever claimed to have made love to a
ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to
make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed,
tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Ahmed replied, "****, from back there I thought you said "Goats."

**AndyG** · 4th July 2015, 10:34 AM

TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. On all your cheque stubs, write ' for marijuana'

3. Skip down the street rather than walk and see how many looks you get.

4. Order diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

5. Sing along at the opera.

6. When the money comes out the ATM, scream 'I won! I won!'

7. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the car park, yelling 'run for your lives! They're loose!'

8. Tell your children over dinner, 'due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.'

AND THE FINAL WAY TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY

9. Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.

**Rickoz** · 4th July 2015, 12:09 PM

Husband buys his son a iPAD the daughter a iPOD for himself a iPHONE and his darling wife a iRON.
She was not impressed at all even after he explained it can be integrated with the iWASH, iCOOK and the iCLEAN network.
This triggered the iNAG service, which totally wiped out the iSHAG function.

**d2dave** · 4th July 2015, 10:09 PM

I am not sure whether this has been posted before but the time is appropriate.

Explanation of the Greek Bailout.

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.

Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a ?100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the ?100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the ?100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the ?100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the ?100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna.

The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.

The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the ?100 note.

The hotel proprietor then places the ?100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the ?100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.
No one produced anything.
No one earned anything.
However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that is how the bailout package works!

**d2dave** · 4th July 2015, 10:12 PM

For those who haven't heard, Washington State recently passed two laws.

They legalized gay marriage and marijuana on the same day. This makes perfect Biblical sense.

Leviticus 20:13, in the Bible says ?If a man lies with another man, they should be stoned.?

Apparently we just hadn't interpreted it correctly before.

**Homestar** · 5th July 2015, 07:13 AM

I farted today while on the bus.

4 people turned around to look at me.

It felt like I was on 'The Voice'...

Bob Harding · 5th July 2015, 04:47 PM

Why do farts Smell

So Deaf people can enjoy them as well

Bob Harding · 6th July 2015, 07:35 AM

Subject:
50 Sheds today.

Men's Shed - We had a novel experience at a recent meeting of

our book club at the Men's Shed. One of our senior members, Ted Roberts who is himself an author lauded for his timeless work "Woodworking for Profit and Pleasure", came up with an interesting suggestion. He said his wife thought that we should read a book called "Fifty Shades of Grey" as we might learn something from it. Someone thought it would come in handy when re-painting the house.

The chaps were all asked to attend our next meeting with some notes relating to their experience of reading the book and its relevance to our activities. At the follow-up meeting we had an enthusiastic full house where the blokes recounted the literary impact of the novel.
> Here are their experiences:

Bill Carruthers, 74

We tried various positions ? round the back, on the side, up against a wall. But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nick Enwright, 86
She stood before me, trembling in my shed
?I'm yours for the night,? she gasped, ?You can do whatever
you want with me.?
So I took her to Bunnings.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ted Roberts, 79
She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tom Entwhistle, 73

Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jack Farthing, 78

?Put on this rubber suit and mask,? I instructed, calmly.
?Mmmm, kinky!? she purred.
?Yes,? I said, ?You can't be too careful with all that
asbestos in the shed roof.?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Hardcastle, 72

?I'm a very naughty girl,? she said,biting her lip. ?I need to be punished.?
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Colin Horrocks, 65

?Harder!? she cried, gripping the workbench tightly.

?Harder!? ?Okay,? I said. ?What's the gross national product of
Nicaragua??
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Malcolm Riddock, 75

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Allen Cardly, 74

?Are you sure you can take the pain?? she demanded, brandishing stilettos.?I think so,? I gulped.
?Here we go, then,? she said, and showed me the receipt.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Humphrey Landsdowne, 56

Hurt me!? she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
?Very well,? I replied. ?You've got a fat arse and no dress
sense.?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nicholas Benchley, 53

?Are you sure you want this?? I asked.
?When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks.? She
nodded.
?Okay,? I said, putting the three-piece lounge furniture on eBay.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Toby Williams, 60

?Punish me!? she cried. ?Make me suffer like only a real man can!?
?Very well,? I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

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