Jokes

**ADMIRAL** · 10th July 2015, 08:11 PM

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
"I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say:
"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"
Matt Millen of the Raiders said:
"To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh :
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.."
(Now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up alphabetically by height..,"
And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ..."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim
Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt.
(I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D:
"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:
"I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."

15. Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded:
"Because she's too ugly to kiss good-bye.

**d2dave** · 10th July 2015, 09:11 PM

Originally Posted by ADMIRAL

12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

Frank must visit here. He has used my signature line.

Bob Harding · 11th July 2015, 04:18 PM

His Lordship was in the study at Downton Abbey

when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.
*
"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"

"Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word
I am not too clear on."

"What word is that?" asked His Lordship.

"Aplomb," My Lord.

"Now that's a difficult one to explain.
I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."

"Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused."
*
"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember
a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge
arrived to spend a weekend with us?"

"I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff
and myself much pleasure to look after them."

"Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when
Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"

"I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs.

"While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."

"I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself
remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."

"That evening the hole that the rose made on his thumb was very sore.

Kate had to cut up his venison even though it was extremely tender."

"Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."

"The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship,
Kate inquired of Wills with a loud voice, 'Darling, does your ***** still throb?'
And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee!
*
******** THAT is aplomb."

**Fifth Columnist** · 13th July 2015, 06:42 AM

I've just started a band called 999 Megabytes. We haven't done a gig yet though.

**AndyG** · 13th July 2015, 02:04 PM

Originally Posted by Fifth Columnist

I've just started a band called 999 Megabytes. We haven't done a gig yet though.

You could even be called 1023 Megabytes and still not be a gig, it seems the Techo's use 1024 = 1 and the accountants use 1000. Go's back to base notation, is a MB 10 power 6 or 2 power of 9.
When running an ISP, i would buy from the wholesaler 1024 MB per GB, and sell to the punter 1000 MB per GB,

So that bit was free for me.

**Fifth Columnist** · 13th July 2015, 06:56 PM

Originally Posted by AndyG

You could even be called 1023 Megabytes and still not be a gig, it seems the Techo's use 1024 = 1 and the accountants use 1000. Go's back to base notation, is a MB 10 power 6 or 2 power of 9.
When running an ISP, i would buy from the wholesaler 1024 MB per GB, and sell to the punter 1000 MB per GB,

So that bit was free for me.

Will just be longer before we get a gig

**donh54** · 15th July 2015, 02:09 AM

Originally Posted by AndyG

You could even be called 1023 Megabytes and still not be a gig, it seems the Techo's use 1024 = 1 and the accountants use 1000. Go's back to base notation, is a MB 10 power 6 or 2 power of 9.
When running an ISP, i would buy from the wholesaler 1024 MB per GB, and sell to the punter 1000 MB per GB,

So that bit was free for me.

Actually, that was a lot of "bits"

Sent from my SM-G900I using AULRO mobile app

**AndyG** · 15th July 2015, 04:30 AM

I knew someone would byte

**Chenz** · 15th July 2015, 05:38 PM

Sir Henry gets a new manservant, James. James' first duty is to attend Sir Henry in his bath. Sir Henry is initially happy, in the bubbles, playing with his ducky, when suddenly he feels uncomfortable and realises he must fart!

Shy in front of James, who is standing to attention with a towel folded over his arm, he orders him, "James, fetch me a glass of brandy!" James busies himself hanging up the towel, and gracefully glides over to the door, but it's all too late for Sir Henry, who can't help farting just as James turns the handle. James turns and looks at Sir Henry strangely, then goes out.

He comes back some time later, carrying a silver tray upon which stand the glass of brandy, a jar of Bovril, and a hot water bottle.

"Where have you been, James, and what the devil is this?!" explodes Sir Henry.

"I'm sorry, your lordship, but as I was leaving the room, I could have sworn you asked me for a hot water bottle and a bottle of Bovril."

**Blknight.aus** · 15th July 2015, 05:41 PM

Id say it was more of a nibble

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