Thread: Jokes

Was not quite sure where to put this, but as it is very funny I decided here.

Sorry I re watched it and the comedian did drop the F word so I have deleted it.

This one is clean. If you ever watch the pommy version of the Chase you will find this hilarious.

[ame]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nmwGFX5pgXw[/ame]

NATIONAL LEVELS OF ALERT - THREATS TO EUROPE
from JOHN CLEESE.


The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."

The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.


Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance."

The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.


The Scots have raised their threat level from "****ed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards."

They don't have any other levels.

This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.


The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide."

The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender."

The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.


Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing."

Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."


The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs."

They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."


Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.


The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.

These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.


Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate."

Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled."

So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.


New Zealand bless them don't have to worry as no one knows where they are or really really cares. Their level of concern is only raised when Australia wins at cricket or rugby.


Regards,


John Cleese,

British writer, actor and tall person

And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray.

Welcome back to 430 BC

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn."

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends emails to all his friends and co-workers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

A joke from my daughter


An Englishman walks into a bar in London. Normally there is an Irishman, Scotsman, and Welshman to drink with. But they are still at the World cup.

Another from my sister in law.


An Irishman goes to confession, and says "Bless me Father , for I have sinned" , The priest replies " and what was your sin, my son. " I had sex with Fanny Green , cheated on my wife." The appropriate amount of Hail Mary's and coins in the donation box was ordered. Another three parishioners came to confession, with the same sin. Now, Father was a little concerned with miss Fanny Green, and agonised over what to do.


Next Sunday, Miss Fanny Green came to Mass, sashayed down the aisle in a sexy dress , sat in the front row. It soon became apparent to the shocked priest the woman was not wearing underwear. Determined to give a sermon on the evils of adultery, but wanting to ensure this was indeed the notorious woman, he turned to the alter boy, and asked :" Tell me son, is that Fanny Green? " Without missing a beat, the young lad said, " Looks the right colour to me Father". Boom Boom

Paddy had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night, celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says, ?You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy?.

Paddy replies, ?OK Mick, I'll be on my way then?. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

?Damn? he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, ?oh bloody damn!?

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
?Bi? Jesus... I'm in bloody trouble,? he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says ?No bloody way....?

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says ?I can make it to the bed?. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'damn it? and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, ?Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ??

Paddy says, ?I did, Jess. I was bloody ****ed. But how did you know??

Mick phoned .. . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.?

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said urgently "you've got to make love to me this very moment"!

My eyes lit up and I thought "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day"! Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all, right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said "thanks", and returned to the stove, her t-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked "what was that all about"?

She explained, "the egg timer's broken".