Thread: Jokes

"How is that Internet Thai bride working out?"

"Fine, my only complaint is that she leaves the toilet seat up".

RE-RUN OF THE BATTLE OF TRAFALGAR 2010

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy.

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "' England expects every person to do his or
her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious
persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir.
We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job
getting ' England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated
smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral.
Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it
........... full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's
nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No
harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They
won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck
Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a
barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse
even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral
by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did.. The Royal Navy is under represented in
the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't
let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want
anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell
the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being
charged with murder if they actually kill anyone.
There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like
hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our
European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we
shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for
compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you
saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who
speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural
age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety.
Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And
there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case................................
kiss me, Hardy

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following are shipwrecked:-



2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman



2 French men and 1 French woman



2 German men and 1 German woman



2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman



2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman



2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman



2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman



2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman



2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman



2 English men and 1 English woman



One month later on the same island in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:



One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.



The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a m?nage-?-trois.



The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.



The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.



The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.



The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo, and are awaiting instructions.



The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.



The two Australian men are contemplating suicide because the Australian woman keeps complaining - about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfilment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her better than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving....



The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and have set up a distillery.

They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky.

But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.



The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

A gynaecologist had become so fed
up with malpractice insurance, health insurance and paperwork he was
burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial,
he decided to become an auto mechanic. He went to the local technical
college, signed up for classes, attended diligently, and learned all
he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist
prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous
skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he
had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the
instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an
outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart
perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine
back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.
This equalled an A". After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you
an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've
never seen done in my entire career."

Originally Posted by Xtreme

A gynaecologist had become so fed
up with malpractice insurance, health insurance and paperwork he was
burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial,
he decided to become an auto mechanic. He went to the local technical
college, signed up for classes, attended diligently, and learned all
he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist
prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous
skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he
had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the
instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an
outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart
perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine
back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.
This equalled an A". After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you
an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've
never seen done in my entire career."

Reminds me of the joke about the heart surgeon and the mechanic. The heart surgeon was getting his Lexus serviced and the mechanic starts chatting to him and asks how come the surgeon earn $300000 a year and he only earns about $50000. He explains how just today he replace the valves and gave an engine a full rebuild just like the surgeon. The surgeon relies "Try doing it with the motor running"

A high school teacher was arrested today at Sydney's Kingsford-Smith International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At the press conference, the Attorney General said he believers the man is a member of the notorious extremist Al-Ge-bra movement.
He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the AFP with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. 'They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns"; but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are thee sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, Federal Opposition Leader Bill Shorten said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes."

Fellow labor colleagues told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the Opposition leader.

With all the negativity in the world today at least Charlie Sheen is staying positive

He was a widower and she a widow.

They had known each other for a number of years
being high school classmates and having attended class
Reunions in the past without fail.

This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower
and the widow made a foursome with two other singles.

They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high.

The widower throwing admiring glances across the table.
The widow smiling coyly back at him.

Finally, he picked up courage to ask her,
"Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of careful consideration,
she answered, "Yes,.... Yes I will!"


The evening ended on a happy note for the widower.
But the next morning he was troubled.

Did she say ?Yes?, or did she say ?No??

He couldn't remember.
Try as he would, he just could not recall.
He went over the conversation of the previous evening,
But his mind was blank.

He remembered asking the question but could not recall her response.
With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone
and called her.

First, he explained that he couldn't remember
as well as he used to.
Then he reviewed the past evening.
As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her.
"When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ?Yes?,
or did you say ?No??

"Why you silly man, I said ?Yes, yes I will.?
And I meant it with all my heart."

The widower was delighted.
He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued.
"And I am so glad you called because for the life of me
I couldn't remember who asked me!?