Thread: Jokes

The reason there are so many Irish jokes is because the Irish have
a quaint way with words

Like the Irish patient who hobbled into the Surgery waiting room.
"I hope to God the doctor finds something wrong with me because I'd
hate to feel like this if I was well!

Murphy dropped dead the moment he arrived home from a vacation in the
Tropics.
He was laid out in the coffin for friends and neighbours to pay their last
respects.
"He's got a great tan," Mrs Doolan from next door mused. "The holiday did
him the world of good."
"And he looks so calm and serene," said Mrs McGuiness.
"That's because he died in his sleep." explained Mrs Murphy, "and he
doesn't know he's dead yet,
but when he wakes up, the shock will kill Him!"

"Your glass is empty O'Flaherty, will you be having another?"
"And why would I be wanting two empty glasses?" replied O'Flaherty.

Murphy arrived home late from the pub, well oiled and ready for trouble.
"Is that you Murphy?" called his wife.
"Byjasis! It damned well better be!"

Two tough union men were working on a building site when Murphy fell
from the second floor scaffolding. "Are ya dead?" cried Gallagher from
above.
"To be sure I am," replied Murphy.
"You are such a liar Murphy that I don't know whether to believe you or
not!" called Gallagher.
"That proves I'm dead," said Murphy's voice from the rubble below,
"because if I was alive you wouldn't be game to call me a liar!"

Dublin's contestant in an international quiz was waiting for his first
question.
"First, what's your name and occupation?" The compere asked.
"Pass", came the reply.

Paddy and Shamus were hitchhiking. "It's best if we split up," said Paddy.
"I will meet you in the next City under the town hall clock".
Later that night Shamus was waiting at the appointed place when Paddy drove
up in a swank car.
"Where the hell did you get that?"
Paddy explained that he had just walked a little way when a beautiful woman
picked him up.
She drove into the woods, got out and took all her clothes off.
"She said I could have anything I wanted, so I took the car," said Paddy.
"Good choice too," said Shamus. "You'd look ridiculous in her clothes."

PADDY... "If you can guess how many chooks I have in my bag, you can have
both of them."
"Three," ? ... Suggested Shaun.

Paddy was coming through the customs at the airport carrying a large bottle.
"What have you there?" said a suspicious customs officer.
"Tis Lourdes holy water. I am bringing it home with me", said Paddy.
The officer took the bottle and tried some. " Why it's Irish whiskey." ! He
spluttered.
"Lord bless me."! Said Paddy, "another bloomin`miracle."

On his way home one night, Paddy dropped into the pub.
The barman poured him a beer and asked if he wanted to be in a raffle.
"What's it for?" asked Paddy..
"It's for a poor widow with 13 kids." said the barman.
Paddy shook his head, "No good for me. I'd never be able to keep them."

Some sayings.

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind , every
part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder. John Glen.

A man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation for a local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water

If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
Johnny Carson

An Irish waitress at a restaurant I used to frequent...
"I haven't smoked half so many since I gave 'em up."

It must have been appreciated.

Originally Posted by V8Ian

It must have been appreciated.

One of you voted twice, own up, who was it?

Originally Posted by V8Ian

One of you voted twice, own up, who was it?

I voted 14,000,000 times by accident. Sorry about that.

A Gorilla walks into a pub and orders a beer.
This amazes the bartender, but he thinks, I might as well pour him one.

He walks over to give the beer to the gorilla and the animal is holding a $20 note.

Now the bartender is flabbergasted. So he takes the $20 and walks to the cash register to get change.
He stops for a second and says to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything".

So he hands the gorilla $1 change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping his beer.
After a few minutes the bartender can't take it any more.

"You know," he says, "we don't get too many gorillas in here."

And the gorilla replies "At $19 a beer, I am not surprised."

Seeing as how everyone liked the earlier joke...............





Paddy says to Mick,"I'm getting circumcised tomorrow."

Mick says, "I had that done when I was a few days old."

Paddy asks, "Does it Hurt?"

Mick says, " Well I couldn't walk for 12 months.."