Thread: Jokes

First woman on the Moon:-

"Houston, we have a problem."

What?

"Never mind"

What's the problem?

"Nothing"

Please tell us?

"You know what the problem is."

The nurse in Cairns finally went home today after being given the all clear from Ebola. Apparently she had a call from the English cricket team. They rang her to say how happy they were that she was given the all clear. They also went on to say that they didn't have a bola either.

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Greece; but the custody of their children posed a problem.


The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.


The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.
After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied:


"Your Honor, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?"

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?''

’Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens. ’

Two little old ladies, Doreen & Evelyn were sitting on the chairs
outside the Woman's Club where a flower show was in progress.
The short one, Doreen, leaned over and said, 'Life is so boring.
We never have any fun anymore. For $10.00 I'd take my clothes off
and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!'

'You're on!' said Evelyn, holding up a $10.00 bill.

So Doreen slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely
naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the
Flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall,
followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. Finally, the smiling
Doreen came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering,
clapping crowd.

'What happened?' asked Evelyn.

'I won $1,000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement.. !'

'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...'

He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mum, what is butt dust?'

"If you eat much more of that you're going to explode!" said my wife to our young son, as he shovelled in another mouthful of bacon.

Of course, statistically, he's far more likely to explode if he never eats any bacon at all.

Aguy was on holiday in Bangkok and while visiting an antique shop , spotted a little ivory idol in the corner.

"Please help me kind sir. I'm not really an ivory idol, , I'm a beautiful young Princess , trapped in here by a wicked witches spell . I need someone to have sex with me to break the spell"

"I'll talk to my brother in law about it" said the guy...."he's an idle ****ing bastard".