Thread: Jokes

Pest Control



A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.




The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.




'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.




'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.




The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards! '

Marriage Humour

Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriagecertificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'

Global Facts About Sex

At any given moment:

FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.



FACT: 1 old person is reading the Aulro jokes forum


You hang in there, sunshine!

Originally Posted by Modelsp

Global Facts About Sex


FACT: 1 old person is reading the Aulro jokes forum

Who? Me!!!

I never give it a glance

An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ...38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "?

A Jewish grandmother

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .........

"What . ... . ... ... You're coming empty handed?"

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames Barrier in London .

Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam


I was getting chatted up by a bird last night.

She said, "Have you got a nickname?"

"Yes" I said, "They call me Sledge"

"OH... Is that because you’resleek and fast?" she giggled

"No...... It's because I get pulled by dogs!"


The human body has 7 trillion nerves.

My wife manages to get on every bloody one of them!


Knock knock.

Who's there?

"Doorbell repair man"



I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom.

They're brilliant.

It makes the wife look like she's actually moving during sex...



A bloke is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells, "Don't enter that church, you idiot !!!"

His wife asks him, "What are you watching?"

Husband replies, "Our bloody wedding video"



Just seen a Dyslexic Yorkshireman wearing a cat flap!"



I said to the wife, "Get me a newspaper"

"Don't be silly," she said "You can borrow my iPad"

That spider never knew what Bluddy hit it.


The 200 Polish fans arrested after yesterday's game have been found guilty of violent disorder and been deported back to England .



A big row has broken out in the Irish Olympic Synchronized Diving Team after Paddy accused Mick of copying him.

I hate Russian Dolls, they're so full of themselves.