Thread: Jokes

The world's newest country was formed today.

South Sudan has already gone ahead of Scotland in the Fifa world rankings.

An aussie met a fairy who offered to grant him one wish.
"OK I want to live forever", he said.
"Sorry,’’ said the fairy. “I am not allowed to grant that type of wish.”
"OK", he said "then i want to die when NSW win the rugby league state of origin.’’
"You crafty bastard" said the fairy.

Last week, a woman I know checked into the caravan park in Bundaberg
Queensland in a cabin and was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those
men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling
himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills
flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick
wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite
certain she could bounce a 5 cent coin off his well oiled bum.... You get the
picture.

She figured, what the heck, I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?" .. . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated and she rushed right in,
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room and give
me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and
what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring
implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of
tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate
syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, baby. Now how does that sound?"





He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

Originally Posted by TomBrulinski

The world's newest country was formed today.

South Sudan has already gone ahead of Scotland in the Fifa world rankings.

I don't get this. Am I missing something here as I am not a soccer fan?

Dave.

Originally Posted by Mr Whippy

I don't get this. Am I missing something here as I am not a soccer fan?

Dave.

Just a bit of a dig at how bad the Scotish are at Soccer I guess...

Little Johnny is sitting in class and the teacher asks him a question.
" Johnny, if there was 4 x crows sitting on a fence and I shot at one, how many would be left?"
"None Miss, they would all fly off when you pulled the trigger"
"Wrong Johnny, there would be 3 left, but I like the way you think"
"Well Miss, I have a question for you, there were 3 woman sitting on a park bench eating ice cream, the 1st one was licking the ice cream, the 2nd one was eating the ice cream and the 3rd one was gulping it down and sucking on the cone. Which one is married Miss?"
"Well, she replied sheepishly, The one gulping it down and sucking on the cone, I guess? "
" Wrong Miss, it's the one with the wedding ring on, But I like the way you think!!"

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for loot, as he picked up a CD player to place in his bag, a strange, disembodied voice echoed out of the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

Startled, he nearly jumped out of his skin,switched his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and promised himself a vacation after the next big score, he then clicked the light onagain and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard:

"Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot; "Did you say that?", he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of a nut would name a bird Moses?"

"The same kind of nut that would name his Rottweiller Jesus."

Railroad tracks - the US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates designed the US railroads.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.



Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England ) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.



Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process and wonder 'What horse's ass came up with this?' , you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' asses.)



Now, the twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah.



The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important? Ancient horse's asses control almost everything... and the current Horses Asses in politics are controlling everything else.