Thread: Jokes

A Labor add says not to give the Libs too much power. That is impossible seeing Labor sold all the power

You have to laugh
Garfield on the oil crisis

A lot of folks can't understand how we came

to have an oil shortage here in Australia.

~~~

Well, there's a very simple answer..

~~~

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

~~~

We just didn't know we were getting low.

~~~

The reason for that is purely geographical.

~~~

Our OIL is located in

~~~

Bass Strait

~~~

East Queensland Shale Fields

~~~

Canning Basin

~~~

Perth Basin

and

North-West Continental Shelf

~~~








Our DIPSTICKS are located in Canberra!!!



Any questions???



NO? I didn't think so.

...

How to hunt elephants
MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.
EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.
PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.
COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
Go to Africa.
Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
During each traverse pass,
Catch each animal seen.
Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
Stop when a match is detected.
EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.
ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.
HARDWARE ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.
ECONOMISTS don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.
STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.
CONSULTANTS don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.
OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.
POLITICIANS don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.
LAWYERS don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.
SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.
VICE PRESIDENTS OF ENGINEERING, RESEARCH, AND DEVELOPMENT try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it.When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely prehunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice president does happen to see a elephant, the staff will:
compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and
enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.
SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.
QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.
SALES PEOPLE don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.
SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.
HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants.

source: Hunting Elephants Joke

It just hit me!

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365. His meals are provided at no cost to her. He visits the doctor once a year for his check-up, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this he pays nothing and nothing is required of him. He lives in a nice neighbourhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.

If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep. He receives these accommodations absolutely free.

He is living like a Queen, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me in the headlike a ton of bricks ....

My dog must be an Illegal Immigrant.

With gender issues......

Originally Posted by d@rk51d3

With gender issues......

Its Rons dog, you didnt think hed be able to pick one up with out it having such an obvious defect as hermaphroditism

An oldie but a goodie:

Subject: ATO Press Release - GST replaced by NUTS

By now, of course, you've read all those GST information leaflets our government has been sending out, and you have a complete understanding of how it's all going to work. However, due to increasing confusion and dissatisfaction being experienced by a small minority of citizens in relation to the GST, a new and simplified taxation system is being developed and implemented

The new system is NUTS - the New Universal Taxation System - and although it may appear to be complicated, it is easy to understand. Basically, it is STUFFT - the Simplified Tax Unit For Financial Transactions.

Major elements of NUTS include a number foreach business entity called an Australian Business Utilisation Number (ABUN) which will be used during dealings with governments at all levels. Every business in Australia will get ABUN with NUTS. The new system will simplify the way businesses report to the Australian Taxation Collection Head Office Organisation (ATCHOO). Businesses will be required to complete a Business Activity Statement Table And Report Directive (BASTARD) every month. Businesses should set aside at least three days every working week to fill the BASTARD out.

Under the new system, every adult Australian taxpayer is classified as a SUCKER (Simple Underpaid Consumer Keeping Everything Running), unless they are unemployed and receiving Commonwealth benefits, in which case they are classified as a RATBAG (Registered Australian Taxation Beneficiary Allowance Grantee).

All SUCKERs and RATBAGs will be required to complete a DAFT (Direct Application For Taxation) form. The completed DAFT form will be assessed by a local MORON (Metropolitan Or Regional Outcome Negotiator) who determines the amount of CRAP (Credited Refund Allowance Payment) the taxpayer will receive. Any SUCKER who wishes to appeal against the amount of CRAP received from the Government should contact their local MORON, who will assess the appeal and classify it as either STUPID (Secondary Temporarily Unpaid Portion of Individual Donation) or IDIOTIC (Income-Derived Individual Obligatory Taxation Instalment Credit).

If you are a RATBAG, you will not be entitled to ABUN with NUTS. You will need to apply for the new allowance provided jointly by both State and Federal Governments, JOB (Joint Organisation Benefit). Any RATBAG who does not apply for a JOB can get STUFFT.

From July 1, when all of Australia goes NUTS, small businesses need to submit a fortnightly General Allocation Rebate For Business And Goods Estimate (GARBAGE) report to the Department for Untaxed Merchandise and Produce (DUMP). Your GARBAGE must be sent to the DUMP before the 30th of each month.

All small businesses must be registered as Business utilising Sales Tax (BUST) by June 30th, and small businesses employing more than 2.7 persons on a regular full time basis must give each employee the Statutory Assessment Contribution Kit (SACK) on or before July 1. Only when all employees have been given the SACK will the business be officially acknowledged as BUST. In order to alleviate any hardship during the changeover period, the government will establish a Department of Grants and Subsidies (DOGS). It is anticipated that, by the end of the next financial year, all business will be registered as BUST and the country will have gone to the DOGS.

found on the net.
[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MZ35SOU9HTM]YouTube - The drunk Scotsman with lyrics - Irish rovers[/ame]