Jokes

**marsonearth** · 24th July 2008, 07:25 PM

Little Johnny Keeps asking for a tele in his room
He is repeatedly told NO
After constant nagging his dad finally caves in
A few days later he comes down stairs and asks
What is LOVE JUICE?
Dad and mom are horrified
Dad sits down and explains the whole thing warts and all
Johnny sits there in shock with his mouth opened wide in amazement

His dad asks what have you been watching son?

Johnny replies

Wimbledon

**dobbo** · 27th July 2008, 07:26 AM

elton john went to a tattooist and said i want a rolls royce tattooed
on my penis,

the tattooist said your be better off with a land rover,,it wont get stuck in the $h*t

**digger** · 27th July 2008, 02:35 PM

I was originally worried that this would be unsuitable here but after a quick read thru I think Im safe as houses!

THE OLD MOTOR

The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk Of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.

The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, 'This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?'

The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old motor running.'

The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth Of their second child. The same nurse was attending The delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman. She said, 'Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?'

The old man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old motor running.'

A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child.

The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the birth,

the nurse said How do you do it?'

The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.'

The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said:

Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black.'

**dirtdawg** · 27th July 2008, 05:01 PM

for all you married men out there

YouTube - Rodney Carrington

**Xavie** · 30th July 2008, 11:36 AM

Thought I better put this up due to having some local members.

**Disco_owner** · 4th August 2008, 09:15 AM

A woman from New York was driving through a
remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian
on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She
climbed up behind him on the horse and he then rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every
few minutes the Indian would Let out a 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud
that it echoed from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town,
he let her off at the local service station, then yelled one final '
Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a ! ' and rode off.

' What did you do to get that Indian so
excited ? ' asked the service-station attendant. ' Nothing, ' the
woman replied. ' I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms
around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall
off.
' Lady, ' the attendant said, ' Indians don't
use saddles. '

**RichardK** · 11th August 2008, 10:42 PM

DIVORCE VS. MURDER
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'
The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'
The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'

**RichardK** · 11th August 2008, 10:48 PM

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, 'I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque.'
Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you.But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot, Bob!!''I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO BOB!!!'
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, 'Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!'
To which the parrot replied,'Get him Spike!'
See - Men just don't listen!

**DeeJay** · 12th August 2008, 04:39 PM

No his name is not lucky because he got lost then found, he did'nt have any fantastic survival at all.
His name is lucky coz.
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**hiline** · 13th August 2008, 06:23 AM

Cranky and the World's Hottest Burger, Off The Wall Diner, QLD, AU

Dear sweet arseraping James i will make this report VERY quick because just the memory of the burger is giving me bowel cramps.
First of all the burger in question can be found at the 'Off The Wall Diner' at Wellington Point in Brisbane.
Secondly, before it gets served to you you have to put on rubber gloves.
Finally, it was not so much a meal as a physical assault.
I swear to god i have never been in so much pain in my life. i was mentally prepared for the burn and had decided that no matter how hot it turned out to be i was just going to open a can of 'harden the f**# up' and keep eating. So here's how it panned out...
4 of us head to Wellington Point around 2pm for a cruisy Saturday lunch. Me, Thommo and our two better halves.
We know that drinking beer won't help the burn, but just for psychological backup we have 2 6 packs of Little Creatures. We drink 1 6 pack on the way to the diner. We start on the other as soon as we arrive.
The 2 guys order the megadeath burgers to much laughter and derision from the kitchen of the diner. The 2 girls order sensible burgers.
We are downing the beer like water before we even see the burger so we run across the road and grab another 6 pack from the pub.
The girls burgers arrive and they are awesome hand made giant patty motherf**king things and I'm starting to get REALLY hungry.
Our burgers arrive, with rubber gloves and a recovery kit consisting of a big drink of milk and a bowl of yogurt. The challenge remains that if we can finish the burger without resorting to the recovery kit we get our names on a plaque on the wall...
I start eating, and eating fast. I stick with my game plan and ignore the burn, just push through the pain.
2 things happen immediately to my body.
1. I get violent hiccups as my body tries to reject the molten lava i am putting into it.
2. I begin crying like a little girl.
Not to be discouraged I forge ahead, quickly shoveling the burger into my mouth. I begin to descend into my own little hell. Staff come out and are watching us eat and are egging us on. I can barely notice anything except the immense pain in my mouth, eyes, ears (yes my ears were ringing) but most importantly in my stomach...
And this is the problem.
The burning mouth, the crying, the ringing ears I can handle. But now with less than a third of the burger to go my stomach seizes up and refuses to let me put anything into it. I take a deep breath and look for my can of 'harden the f**k up' when I notice that my mate Thommo has stopped eating his burger just beyond the halfway point and is wandering aimlessly up and down the street.
He has honestly lost the plot and is walking around in circles.
I decide I can't be defeated and manage one more bite before my stomach explains at this point that it is about to return to me everything i have just eaten at high speed.
not being able to face the prospect of vomiting back something that hot i pull off my gloves and admit defeat with 2 mouthfuls to go. The staff can't believe I have got this close and not finished it but at this point i really don't give a f**k because i have just started to hallucinate.
No exaggerations here for the next 15-20 minutes or so as we just sat there i was completely off my face. it is one of the strangest drug experiences I have ever had (thats a BIG call). The closest thing I can liken it to is the feeling you have when you are coming off an 'e' and you are really jumpy, agitated, spun out and trippy.
Can i recommend this burger to anyone?
No f**king way.
Should you go and try it anyway?
Absof**kinglutely!

The Evil Burger

Mark crying like a little girl

Thommo wants his mum

Defeated

And about 2 days later...
it is now almost 48 hours later and i have just had my second shower for the morning.
second shower? why have 2?
because i am still ****ting white hot torrents of molten steel and i need to cool down my puckered, torn andabraded sphincter before it decides to go all 'china syndrome' and melt through the crust of the earth to the core
i swear to god all i have eaten in the past couple of days since the 'event' is stomach and anus friendly food like yoghurt, and ham and salad rolls and yet here i am at 6am on monday morning wondering why i have just been fisted by someone with a handful of broken glass and gravel?
the burger was evil. and it's evilness continues to taunt my bunghole.
shame on you for wanting to try this boobmeister. shame.
... and finally, a few days after that...
lol thanks for your concern f**cker
it lasted until tuesday night (i had the burger on saturday lunchtime) and i had my first *normal* crap on wednesday morning.
my mate i went who also tried the burger with came good on tuesday morning, but he admitted by 'good' he meant he wasn't bleeding profusely from his anus and eyeballs at the same time.
that burger was all f**ked up.
now go try it.

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