Thread: Jokes

Back in days of dragons there was a particularly nasty one.So the King had sent Knights out to slay the dragon those that returned claimed to have slayed the dragon, had in fact not.So a bit cheesed of the King said to the next wannabe hero Knight that he must bring back a portion of the dragon to prove his kill.So the Knight thought for a moment then went to the paper shop and got a largish paper box,then the cardboard shop for box to fit the paper box into,then the carpenters shop for wooden box,then of to the copper smith for a copper box,then it was of to the brass smith for a nice brass box,next on the list was the tin smith for a tin box,next door was the steel smith and a steel box,across from them was the lead smith and a heavy box,next was a stop at the silver smith and finally a stop at the gold smith and a realy expensive box.The knight then put the paper box in the cardboard box,put the card board box into the wooden box,then put the wooden box into copper box,then put the brass box ( a nice one),then put the brass one into the tin box,then put the tin box into the steel box,then put the steel box into the lead box ( a heavy box),then put the lead box into the silver box,then put the silver box into the gold box ( a expensive box)loaded it all onto a cart and road of into the sunset to fight the mighty Dragon.After a epic battle lasting many hours and a nice lunch break by a river the Knight had finally slayed the dragon.He then cut of the dragons ear and placed it in the paper box which was the placed in the cardboard box and then the cardboard box was put into the wooden box,then into the copper box,then into the the brass box(a nice one)then into the tin box,then into the steel box,then into the lead box ( a heavy box) then into the silver box,then into the gold box ( a expensive box) then loaded it all back on to the wagon and road back to the Castle and the waiting King.The king sommoned the knight to his throne and the king asked if there was proof of the dragons slaying.The knight replied by placing the gold box before the king.The king oppended the gold box and noted it was a expensive box,removed the sliver box and opened it.Removed the lead box and declared it was stupidly heavy.Opened the lead box and removed the steel box.Opened the steel box and removed the tin box.Opened the tin box and removed the brass box(turned to his queen and said that`s a nice box).Opened the brass box and removed the wooden box.Opened the wooden box and removed the cardboard box.Opened the cardboard box and removed the paper box.Opened the paper box and said ear ear what have we ear?
Cheers Hall

Tampax have designed a new up-market tampon. Instead of plain white string for a withdrawal cord, this one will have silver tinsel. It is to hit the market in time for the Christmas period.

Management Course

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower,when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves..

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily
and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said,'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp..

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in theBahamas ,driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life..'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after
lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey,'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree..

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull**** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..


Lesson 6


A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung,and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who ****s on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep ****, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!


THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

A man turns up at a large property looking for work.
"What can you do?" asks the owner
" I can paint and build etc" came the reply.
"O.K." says the owner, and gives him a bucket of paint and a brush and tells him to paint the porch.
The owner comes back sometime later to check on the progress.
"How are you getting on painting the porch" he says.
" It's not a Porsche, it's a Mercedes " came the reply.

Heaven and Hell


While on his morning walk, Prime Minister Kevin Rudd falls over, has a heart attack and dies because the 'accident and emergency' dept at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time.

So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Welcome to Heaven,' says Saint Peter, 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Socialist around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer,' says the PM.

'I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity.'

'But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,' replies Rudd.

'I'm sorry .. But we have our rules,' Peter interjects. And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to a lift and he goes down, down, down ....all the way to Hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course. The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22C degrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in front of it is Gough Whitlam and thousands of other Socialist luminaries who had helped him out over the years --- Bob Hawke, Paul Keating, etc. The whole of the Labor Party leaders were there ..

(and all the socialists from other parts of the world..)

Everyone laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed. They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. The Devil himself comes up to Rudd with a frosty drink, 'Have a tequila and relax, Kev!'

'Uh, I can't drink anymore; I took a pledge,' says Rudd, dejectedly.

'This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!'

Rudd takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Labor Party pulled with their master strokes on Education, Immigration, Petrol prices, Tough on Crime promises.

They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Rudd steps on the lift and heads upward.

When the lift door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to visit Heaven,' the old man says, opening the gate.

So for 24 hours Rudd is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn't see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like someone special!

'Whoa,' he says uncomfortably to himself. 'Gough Whitlam never prepared me for this!'

The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, 'Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for Eternity.' With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Rudd reflects for a minute ... Then answers: 'Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends.'

So Saint Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.

The doors of the lift open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, looking a bit like the eroded, rabbit, and fox affected Australian outback, but worse and more desolate.

He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.

The Devil comes over to Rudd and puts an arm around his shoulder.' I don't understand,' stammers a shocked Rudd, 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time.. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!'

The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, 'Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!'

Good one Ron!

(Enough said)

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh... I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello son. Is your Grandma home?" The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend." The minister fainted.

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning...

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Daddy bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!?" He roars.

Mummy bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "for god's sake! How many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was mummy bear who got up first. It was mummy bear who woke everyone in the house. It was mummy bear who made the coffee. It was mummy bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was mummy bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was mummy bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was mummy bear who set the damn table.

"It was mummy bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

"And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-arse downstairs and grace mummy bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once...

"I HAVEN'T MADE THE BLOODY PORRIDGE YET!"