Thread: Jokes

(Women will LOVE this one!)

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.
The woman says, ‘So, you’re a man. That’s interesting. I’m a Bottle of Wine
woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but we’re unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.’
Flattered, the man replies, ‘Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you’re still at fault...women shouldn’t be allowed to drive.’
The woman continues, ‘And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.’ She hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, ‘Aren’t you having any?’

The woman replies, ‘No. I think I’ll just wait for the police...’

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches.

Don’t mess with them.

A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the footpath in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.

Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a tall, grinning man.
"Hi there, little girl, I'm Prime Minister Rudd What do you have in the basket?" he asked.
"Kittens," little Suzy said.
"How old are they?" asked K. Rudd
Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."
"And what kind of kittens are they?"
"Labor kittens," answered Suzy with a smile.

Rudd was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.

Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the Prime Minister should return the next day, and, in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.

So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of "FREE KITTENS"
when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from ABC, 7, SBS, TEN and 9.

Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then K. Rudd got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.
"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."
"Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're Liberals."
Taken by surprise, the Prime Minister stammered, "But... but... yesterday, you told me they were Labor."
Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know. But today, they have their eyes open."

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw,but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this, Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is'.

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son ....... "Go get your mother"

Mod hat on...

Just a reminder AULRO has a G Rating that applies to the jokes thread as well. The rules regarding swearing and the swear filter also apply.

TOMMY COOPER JOKES



1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week, and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual....'

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him.'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy.'

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so one of them must be Chinese.... . it's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.... but I think it's Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places.'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore.'

23. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Rudd fans.
Not really knowing what a Rudd fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for the infamous, Little Billy, in the front row.
The teacher asked Little Billy why he has decided to be different.
'Because I'm not a Rudd fan.'
The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you a Rudd fan?'
'Because I'm a Liberal.'
The teacher asked him why he's a Liberal.
Billy proudly answered, 'Well, my Mom's a Liberal and my Dad's a Liberal, so I'm a Liberal.'
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'
With a big smile, Billy replied, 'That would make me a Rudd fan.'

What's the difference between the government and the Mafia?

One of them is organized and can keep a secret.



chow
digger

If you need a good laugh, read through these children's science exam answers

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards themoon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the boraxcontains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean Section.'
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.