Jokes

**KarlB** · 16th July 2011, 07:27 PM

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

**MickS** · 16th July 2011, 07:53 PM

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."

**MickS** · 16th July 2011, 07:54 PM

I thought the wife would be the ideal candidate for a new TV show. Turns out I got it all wrong and the program's called Fact Hunt.

**digger** · 17th July 2011, 08:23 PM

A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay.
He claims that the Wii GameBoy he received isn't what he was expecting.

**d2dave** · 17th July 2011, 10:25 PM

Potatoes

Well, a Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other,and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam'.
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato'.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would eat properly so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. And Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for those hard-boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French Fries.
And when she went out West, she must watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
They sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University).

So that when she graduated she'd really be "in the Chips".

But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Richie Benaud.

"Richie Benaud!!!!", they cried. They were very upset and told Yam "You can't possibly marry Richie Benaud because he's just ..

Are you ready for this? Are you sure?

*

OK! You asked for it: Here it is!

*

... just a COMMONTATER!"

**digger** · 17th July 2011, 10:42 PM

Oh!! sweet (potato!)

I suppose she only had eyes for Richie??

Thanks!

DiscoMick · 18th July 2011, 03:18 PM

Sure and is it Irish jokes you be wantin'?

Q: How do you sink a submerged Irish submarine?
A: Knock on the hatch.

**walker** · 18th July 2011, 03:30 PM

Q. How do you burn an Irishman's ear?
A. Ring him up when he's ironing

**d2dave** · 18th July 2011, 04:16 PM

Originally Posted by walker

Q. How do you burn an Irishman's ear?
A. Ring him up when he's ironing

A longer version.

Mick meets Paddy in the bar and Paddy has both ears bandaged.

"What happened to yours ears" Mick asked.
"I was doing the ironing when the phone rang" replies Paddy.
"So what happened to the other ear" asked Mick.
"I went to ring the doctor"

**ADMIRAL** · 18th July 2011, 09:00 PM

Catholic Parrots
>
>
> A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.
>
> I have two female parrots, But they only know to say one thing'
>
> 'What do they say?' the priest asked.
>
> They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
>
> 'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,
>
> Then he thought for a moment.....
> 'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two
> male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...
>
> Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with
> Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,
> And your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase... In no time.'
>
> 'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
>
> The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house....
> As he ushered her in, She saw that his two male parrots were inside their
> cage holding rosary beads and praying...
>
> Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...
>
> After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison:
> Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
>
> There was stunned silence...
>
> One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,
>
> 'Put the beads away, Frank ... Our prayers have been answered!
>

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