Thread: Jokes

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside
cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up,
and begins to read her book.
The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment..
For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads.
It's likely she can also think.

A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, 'D d d doc,
I've bbeen stttutering ffor yyyears and IIII'm tttired of it.
Cccan yyyouhehehelp me?'
The doctor says, 'Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going on.'
So he examines him and says, 'Well I think I know what the problem is.'
The guy says,'Wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?'
The doctor says,' It's your penis.
It's about a foot long and all the down pressure is putting strain on your vocal cords..'
The guy says, --- 'Wwwat cccan we dddo?'
The doctor advises, 'Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one.'
The guy says, -- 'You ggggottta dddeal....Dddo it!'

The guy has the operation and three weeks later, he comes back into the doctor's office
and says, 'Doc, you solved the problem and I don't stutter anymore, but I've only had sex
once in the past three weeks. My wife doesn't like it anymore. She liked it with my long one.
I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back on.'



The doctor says, --- 'P p p **** o o o off. A ddddeal's a ddddeal!!!'

A magician worked on a cruise ship.

The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, It’s not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...



"OK, I give up. Where's the ship?"

The boss wondered why one of his most valued IT employees was absent and had not phoned in sick. Having an urgent problem with one of the company’s computers, he dialled the employee's home phone and was greeted with a child's whisper. 'Hello?'

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

'Yes,' whispered the small voice. May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, 'No.'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?' 'Yes.'

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, 'No.'

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

'Yes,' whispered the child, 'a policeman'.

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

'No, he's busy', whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

'Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

'A helicopter' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, 'The search team just landed a helicopter.'

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle ... 'ME.'

Two informally dressed ladies happened to start-up a conversation during an endless wait in Toronto's Terminal 3 Airport.

The first lady was an arrogant Upper Canadian married to a wealthy business man.

The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from Bell Island,Newfoundland.

When the conversation centred on whether they had any children, the Upper Canadian woman started by saying,
"When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from Bell Island commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought
me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz.

Again, the lady from Bell Islandcommented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband
bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.

Yet again, the Bell Island lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when
you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Bell Island lady.

"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my Lord! What on earth for?"

The elderly Bell Island lady responded, "Well as an example, instead of saying,
"Who gives a damn?", I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious . . . . "

Joke of the Year - 2011 (or any year for that matter!)




Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.

One was Julia Gillard, the other Penny Wong.....

Father is in shop, sees Truth Robot that slaps people when they lie, buys it, takes it home.
Dinner time. At table with wife and 9 year old son.
Father: "What did you do today, son?"
Son: "I went to school, Dad."
Robot slaps son.
Father: "What did you really do today, son?"
Son: "I went to my friend's place."
Father: "What did you do?"
Son: "We watched movies."
Father: "What kind of movies?"
Son: "Kid stuff."
Robot slaps son.
Son: "We watched pornos."
Father: "When I was your age I didn't know what a porno was!"
Robot slaps father.
Mother: "You can see that he's your son!"
Robot slaps mother.