Thread: Jokes

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop.
The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door.
No answer.
So he jumps over a wall, walks around the garden, taps on the window and returns to the front door.
A big guy opens it and starts cursing the dog.
The butcher intervenes by saying: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"
The owner responds, "Genius, my eye! That's the second time this week he's forgotten his key."

DIARY OF A POMMIE IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA

August 31 - Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in
Karratha, Western Australia.
Now this is a town that knows how to live!
Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings.
I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday.
It was beautiful. I've finally found my new home. I love it here.

September 13 - Really heating up now. It got to 31 today.
No problem though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned
car.
What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a
sun-worshipper - no blasted rain like back in Leeds!!

September 30 - Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots
of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me! Another scorcher today, but
I love it here. It's Paradise!

October 10 - The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week.
How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windy
though. Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatizing is taking longer than we
expected.

October 15 - Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over
60% of my body. Missed three days off work. What a dumb thing to do..
Got to respect the old sun in a climate like this!

October 20 - Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I
left for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work,
Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the
upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat ****. I've learned my
lesson though: no more pets in this heat.

October 25 - This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant blow
dryer. And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and
the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order
parts from bloody Perth ......The wife & the kids are complaining.

October 30 - The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't
arrived for the air conditioner. House is an oven so we've all been
sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $600,000 house and we
can't even go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?

November 4 - Finally got the ****ing air-conditioner fixed. It cost $1,500
and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes
it feel about 35. Stupid thieving repairman.

November 8 - If one more smart bastard says 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm
going to ****ing throttle him. ****ing heat! By the time I get to work, the
car radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking bloody wet and
I smell like baked cat. This place is the end of the Earth.

November 9 - Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on
the black leather upholstery in my car. I thought my arse was on
fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and off
my arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked
cat.

November 10 -- The Weather report might as well be a ****ing recording.. Hot
and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and ****ing sunny. It never ****ing changes!
It's been too hot to do anything for 2 ****ing months and the weatherman
says it might really warm up next week. ****!

November 15 - Doesn't it ever rain in this damn ****ing place? Water
restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and
blow into the ****ing pool. The only things that thrive in this ****ing
hell-hole are the ****ing flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear of
swallowing half a dozen of the little bastards!

November 20 - Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 ****in' degrees today. Now the
air conditioner's gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said,
'Hot enough for you today?' I wanted to shove the ****ing car up his ****ing
arse. Anyway, had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of
jail for assaulting the stupid *****.
****ing Karratha! What kind of sick, demented ****ing idiot would want to
live here!

December 1 - WHAT!!!! The FIRST day of Summer!!!! You are ****ing kidding
me!