Thread: Jokes

Originally Posted by FenianEel

You may wanna check your facts there Sprint....

ok, to be more accurate, the seats both campaigned for at the start of thier careers were both considered "safe labor" electorates....

Originally Posted by Sprint

ok, to be more accurate, the seats both campaigned for at the start of thier careers were both considered "safe labor" electorates....

According to this source:
Margaret Thatcher - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
In the February 1950 and October 1951 general elections she campaigned for the safe Labour seat of Dartford, where she attracted media attention as the youngest and the only female candidate.[23][24] She lost both times to Norman Dodds, but reduced the Labour majority by 6,000, and then a further 1,000.

That doesn't constitute much of a start does it? She was standing as a Conservative and lost.

If this thread was in the Soapbox, I would suggest that stating that Thatcher started in a safe Labour seat is a statement clearly designed to mislead since most reasonable people who knew nothing about Thatcher would assume that you meant she was a Labour candidate or that she sat in a Labour seat.

In any case, strictly speaking, her first campaigning was in a Labour seat. Julia Gillard started in a Labor seat.

Originally Posted by digger

Well, the investigations into Amy Winehouses death are just beginning and already its contraversial!

A leading radical muslim extremist group have claimed they are responsible AND APOLOGISED!

It appears they have a cell that they activated that are dislectic, apparently they were instructed to attack and kill army and whitehouse and it all went bad!!!


I did however realise that whilst watching the news report that there is only one real difference between amy winehouse and jeremy clarkson,
.
.
Jeremy clarkson is still doing top gear!


OK that was in poor taste and knowing that the funeral is to be held very soon I was surprised to hear that Elton John will appear and perform his old favorite "candle heating the spoon" at the funeral.

they are terrible , Im so sorry....
but at least I didnt use these ones...

Q WHATS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AMY WINEHOUSE AND JACK DANIELS?

A JACK DANIELS GETS BETTER WITH COKE AND ICE.



CAN ALL THE MOURNERS OUTSIDE AMY'S APARTMENT FORM A LINE PLEASE?
IT'S WHAT SHE WOULD'VE WANTED....


WHATS THE SIMILARITY BETWEEN NEIL CRAIG AND AMY WINEHOUSE?
BOTH HAD CAREER ENDING NIGHTS LAST WEEKEND.

Q: What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Michael Jackson?
A: Nothing, now.

Q. Why does Amy Winehouse have a tattoo of a pocket on her boob?
A. It's where she keeps the tattoo of her keys.

Q: What's the difference between February and Amy Winehouse?
A: February makes it to 28!

Q: What's more toxic to babies than Chinese milk?
A: Amy Winehouse breastfeeding your kids!

Q: Why was Amy Winehouse being treated for an adverse reaction to medication?
A: Doctor said she had overdosed on fresh air.

Q: What’s the difference between Amy Winehouse and Amy Winehouse jokes?
A: The jokes will get old.

Q: What’s the difference between me and Amy Winehouse?
A: Amy haD more money, but I woke up on Saturday!

Q: How do men pick up Amy Winehouse?
A: With a stretcher!

Q: How do you know you have upset god?
A: When he sends you to rehab permanently!

Q: What did Amy Winehouse say right before she died?
A: "How about a magic trick? I'm gonna make this line of coke...disappear!"

Q: What have Amy Winehouse and a fly got in common?
A: They’re both six feet.


Q: What did the devil say to Amy Winehouse?
A: Amy you should've went to rehab but you said no, no, no!

McDonalds have released the Amy Winehouse McValue Meal
It's Just Coke and Ice

Q: What do Michael Jackson and Amy Winehouse have in common?
A: They both had a 10 year old crack addiction!

Q: What was Amy Winehouse's favorite song?
A: I wanna rock!

Unfortunately, her parents can’t keep her ashes as it would be possession of a Class A drug.

I really don’t get karaoke, I just don’t see the point of it.
I mean, if I wanted to see a hopeless drunk murder an Amy Winehouse song, I’d have gone to an Amy Whinehouse gig.

I’d like to be the first to congratulate Amy Winehouse on 150 hours of sobriety.

Q: What was Amy Winehouse’s biggest hit?
A: Her last one!

Two detectives are in Amy Winehouses flat. One says to the other “I’ve never heard of her, what was she famous for?”

The other copper replies “She was a very well known musician.”

The first detective looks around and says, “Ah, I see now. Let me guess, she played the spoons?”



It seems that this is the end of the line for Ms. Winehouse.



The metropolitan police have had a shocking week.
Luckily for them, the Camden drug statistics just lowered by 50%


Unemployment in London has just hit a record high, after 6,000 drug dealers have just been put out of work.


My dyslexic mate just text me “There’s been a death at an Army Warehouse somewhere in North London”


Amy Winehouse was found dead, face down, in a disgusting pile of excrment, piddle and vomit….
Other people know it as Camden!



I suppose with a surname like Winehouse, it was inevitable that Amy would die because of drink.
I just hope that my son, Dave Beergarden, doesn’t go the same way.


Keep hearing Amy Winehouse being described as a ‘Wasted talent’..
Fair enough ……. she was always wasted!




Q:Whats the difference between Amy Winehouse and a Moped?
A: A Moped can hit 30



OK ENOUGH!

On a serious note
News of Amy Winehouse’s death travelled with such speed. When I heard I couldn’t help but crack up with emotion. She was a real heroin. It’s such a blow. She really made a hash of things though. Her life just went to pot. Someone should have kept tabs on her.


Really after hearing the news of Amy Winehouse’s death, I could not be more upset…
I had her down for August in the sweepstakes.



I think we have to remember her as she was,
I imagine her walking into a pub,
and the security guy saying ...."sorry, we dont serve spirits here!!"

An old married couple was at home watching TV.
The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said...
"For God's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"

Peter Garrett (ex lead singer of Midnight Oil, now a Minister in the Labour Government of Australia)

PETER GARRETT IS DEFINITELY A COUPLE OF CANS SHORT OF A SLAB!
The Australian Government and the NSW Forestry Service were presenting an alternative to NSW sheep farmers for controlling the dingo population.

It seems that after years of the sheep farmers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the Labour Government
(Peter Garrett - Environmental Minister), the NSW Forestry Service and the Greens tree-huggers had a 'more humane' solution.

What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males would then be castrated and let loose again.

Therefore the population would be controlled.

This was ACTUALLY proposed to the NSW Sheep Farmers Association.

All of the sheep farmers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.

Finally, one of the old boys in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, 'Mr Garrett, son, I don't think you understand our problem,
'those dingo's ain't f---ing our sheep, they're eatin' 'em.'

You should have been there to hear the roar of laughter as Mr Peter Garrett and the members of the NSW Forestry Service, the Greens and the other "tree huggers" left the meeting very "sheepishly".


This is one of the things wrong with this country, the Tree Huggers and Morons are running the circus! Jeeesus! Someone save us from these idiots.....

Originally Posted by ADMIRAL

Peter Garrett (ex lead singer of Midnight Oil, now a Minister in the Labour Government of Australia)

PETER GARRETT IS DEFINITELY A COUPLE OF CANS SHORT OF A SLAB!
The Australian Government and the NSW Forestry Service were presenting an alternative to NSW sheep farmers for controlling the dingo population.

It seems that after years of the sheep farmers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the Labour Government
(Peter Garrett - Environmental Minister), the NSW Forestry Service and the Greens tree-huggers had a 'more humane' solution.

What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males would then be castrated and let loose again.

Therefore the population would be controlled.

This was ACTUALLY proposed to the NSW Sheep Farmers Association.

All of the sheep farmers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.

Finally, one of the old boys in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, 'Mr Garrett, son, I don't think you understand our problem,
'those dingo's ain't f---ing our sheep, they're eatin' 'em.'

You should have been there to hear the roar of laughter as Mr Peter Garrett and the members of the NSW Forestry Service, the Greens and the other "tree huggers" left the meeting very "sheepishly".


This is one of the things wrong with this country, the Tree Huggers and Morons are running the circus! Jeeesus! Someone save us from these idiots.....

Garrett and NSW Sheep Farmers Assoc.. - Just Grounds Community

I will stand correction, but I think this story goes back to Rus Hinze in Parliament in QLD a long time ago.

Same story, someone suggested castrating and Hinze told them the dingoes weren't copulating with the sheep, they were eating them.

Maybe someone in Qld can remember.

Still a good story though.

Rudd looked at Gillard, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 note out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."
Gillard shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 notes out of the window and make ten people very happy". Hearing their exchange, the pilot of plane said to his co-pilot,"Such big-shots back there. I could throw both of them out of the window and make 23 million people very happy!"

A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi.

The Indian driver opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the Cab.

"What's wrong with you Luv, haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from..."

"Well, if you're not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?"

"Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking and thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with?!"