Thread: Jokes

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again ....... back and forth ..... back and forth .....
in and out ...... in and out.
She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts, and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end.
Her heart was pounding .... her face was flushed ... then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,
"OK, OK! I can't park the BLOODY car! You do it, you SMUG bastard!

At the annual meeting of the supernatural society, the convener asked if anyone present had ever seen a ghost.Twenty hands went up. he said "thats great, now how many have actually touched a ghost?"
Fifteen hands went up."thats pretty impressive, now how many have spoken to a ghost?" another 20 hands. "Ok , heres the big question ", said the convener, "how many here have had sex with a ghost?".....one little guy at the back puts up his hand..."you've actually had sex with a ghost?" asks the convener....."Oh...A ghost!," says the little guy, "'I'm sorry, I thought you said you said a goat"

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the “Chicken Surprise”; the waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

“Good grief, did you see that?” she asks her husband. He hadn’t, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

“Please, Sir,” says the waiter, “What you order?”

The husband replies, “Chicken Surprise”.

“Ah!So solly,”says the waiter,

“I bring you Peeking Duck.”

groannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

A duck walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The barman says "get out....we dont serve ducks". The next day the duck walks back into the bar and asks for a beer. The barman says "you again? I told you we dont serve ducks. If you come in here again asking for a beer I'll nail your bill shut!". The next day the duck walks back into the bar and says to the barman..."you got any nails? " the barman says "of course not".....the duck says "good, give me a beer thanks".

Love it! nearly choked on my beer, Bob

A duck goes into a bar and says, 'I would like a drink. I am old enough.'
The bartender replies, 'You need to be able to prove who you are.'
The duck pulls out a mirror. He looks in it, nods his head, and says, 'Yep, that's me.'

A blonde woman walks into a store and sees a bright, shiny object on sale. She asks the shop assistant, 'What is that?' The assistant responds, 'It's a thermos.' The blonde then asks, 'What does it do?' 'It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.' So the blonde buys one.

The next day she takes the thermos to work. Her boss, also a blonde, asks 'What is the bright, shiny object?'
'It's a thermos.' replies the blonde
'What does it do?' asks the boss
'It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.'
Her boss then asks, 'What do you have in there?' to which the blonde replies, 'A cup of coffee and two Popsicles.'