Thread: Jokes

Enjoy .... I just love the Irish approach..........

A painter by the name of Paddy Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar,
was a gifted portrait artist.
Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all
... over Ireland were coming to him in the town of
Doolin, County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.

One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a
stretch limo and asked Paddy if he would paint her in the nude.

This being the first time anyone had made such a request, Paddy was a
bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no
object; in fact, she was willing to pay up to $10,000.

Not wanting to get into any marital strife, Paddy asked her to wait
while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.

In a few minutes he returned. "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer
portrait, missus," he said "The wife says it's okay.

"I'll paint ya in da nude alright . but I has to at least leave me
socks on so I has a place to wipe me brushes."....................

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.

"What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is61 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
...
The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,

"Does she still have the hiccups?"

Blessed are the constipated, for they don't give a ....

A highly dangerous virus called "Weekly Overload Recreational Killer" (WORK).

If you come in contact with this WORK VIRUS, you should immediately go to the nearest "Biological Anxiety Relief" (BAR) center to take antidotes known as:

"Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract" (WINE),

"Radioactive Un-WORK Medicine"(RUM),

"Bothersome Employer Elimination Reboot-er"(BEER),

"Vaccino Officio Depression Killing Antigen"(VODKA).

I wish I had listened to the advice my Grandad used to give me


Why, what did he say?


How should I know, I wasn't listening!

What has two legs and bleeds?


Half a cat

Depends on which half. The back half wouldn't bleed.

Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing -- imagine that.
When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who are not sure how to tell when
poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.

1 chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing
1 cup uncooked popcorn
Salt/pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 200 degrees.
Brush chicken well with melted butter salt and pepper..
Fill cavity with stuffing mixed with popcorn.
Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.




Listen for the popping sounds. When the chicken's ****blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room and lands on the table, it's done and ready to eat.

And you thought I couldn't cook ...