Jokes

A woman goes to a dentist’s, and after her examination, the dentist says, “I’m sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill that tooth.”

Horrified, the woman replies, “Oh, no! I’d rather have a baby.”

And the dentist answered, “Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair either way.”

Enjoy .... I just love the Irish approach..........

A painter by the name of Paddy Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar,
was a gifted portrait artist.
Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all
... over Ireland were coming to him in the town of
Doolin, County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.

One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a
stretch limo and asked Paddy if he would paint her in the nude.

This being the first time anyone had made such a request, Paddy was a
bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no
object; in fact, she was willing to pay up to $10,000.

Not wanting to get into any marital strife, Paddy asked her to wait
while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.

In a few minutes he returned. "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer
portrait, missus," he said "The wife says it's okay.

"I'll paint ya in da nude alright . but I has to at least leave me
socks on so I has a place to wipe me brushes."....................

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.

"What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is61 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
...
The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,

"Does she still have the hiccups?"

Blessed are the constipated, for they don't give a ....

A highly dangerous virus called "Weekly Overload Recreational Killer" (WORK).

If you come in contact with this WORK VIRUS, you should immediately go to the nearest "Biological Anxiety Relief" (BAR) center to take antidotes known as:

"Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract" (WINE),

"Radioactive Un-WORK Medicine"(RUM),

"Bothersome Employer Elimination Reboot-er"(BEER),

"Vaccino Officio Depression Killing Antigen"(VODKA).

I wish I had listened to the advice my Grandad used to give me


Why, what did he say?


How should I know, I wasn't listening!

What has two legs and bleeds?


Half a cat ;)

Depends on which half. The back half wouldn't bleed. [bigwhistle]

Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing -- imagine that.
When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who are not sure how to tell when
poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.

1 chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing
1 cup uncooked popcorn
Salt/pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 200 degrees.
Brush chicken well with melted butter salt and pepper..
Fill cavity with stuffing mixed with popcorn.
Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.




Listen for the popping sounds. When the chicken's ****blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room and lands on the table, it's done and ready to eat.

And you thought I couldn't cook ...

As we wake up to a New Year, and reckon whatever we did last night must have been a bit stupid, (whatever it was that makes our head hurt now...) take heart and meditate on these pearls of Wisdom...


(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"

--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

(Edited out...)


"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign




"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC



"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.."
--Al Gore, Vice President




"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you.. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina



"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery



"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.



"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca



"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.



I feel reeely intellygint roight now...