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ONLY FOUR TICKETS REMAINING
If anybody wants them, I have four extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel (son of Evil Knievel) show.
Robbie will be flying into Sydney to stage an event at the Lakemba Mosque next weekend.
He is going to try to jump over 10,000 Muslims using a Caterpillar D-9.
Me missus bought a paperback
Down town on Saturday,
I had a peep into her bag;T’was “Fifty Shades of Grey."
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.
Her left hand held a length of rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down onto the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago
I might have had a peek;
But Doris hasn’t weathered well;
She’s eighty four next week.
Watching Doris bump and grind
Could not have been much grimmer.
Things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled up upon her feet
A cuppla minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
That I must dominate her!!
Now if you knew our Doris,
You would see just why I spluttered,
I’d spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I’d uttered.
She stood there nude, just naked like,
Bent forward just a bit ….
I took a pace to brace meself And stood on her left tit!
Old Doris screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
“Step on the other one!”
Well readers, I won't tell no more
What happened on that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair
Turned “fifty shades of grey”.
A father buys a lie detecting robot that slaps a person when he lies.
The father decides to test it out on his son at supper....
"Where were you last night?"
"I was at the library." The robot slaps the son.
"Okay, I was at a friend's house."
"Doing what?" asks the father." Watching a movie, 'Toy Story.'"
The robot slaps the son.
"Okay, it was porn!" cries the son.
The father yells, "What? When I was your age, I didn't know what porn was!"
The robot slaps the father.
The mother laughs and says, "He certainly is your son!"
The robot slaps the mother.
:lol2:
An old man in Miami calls up his son in New York and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" and calls her father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up.
The old man turns to his wife and says "Okay, they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."
:D
:Late last Saturday night a young chap was walking home from a club. It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area were broken and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then suddenly he heard a strange noise... BUMP... BUMP...
Startled by this he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road. BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly... it was a coffin. Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home. BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him. BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
He started to sprint, but so did the coffin... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
Eventually he made it to his front door but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys, his hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, diving inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and slumped into his comfy chair. Suddenly there was a loud crash as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door... BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH...
The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges. There the coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad. BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH...
In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet and grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin... still it came... BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH...
He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it... still it came... BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH...
He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it... still it came... BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH...
He grabbed some Vick's Cough Medicine and threw it... the coffin stopped.
:Rolling::Rolling::Rolling::Rolling::Rolling::Roll ing
oh dear
... Do we have a suitably painful, "STRANGLE" icon ?:bangin:
https://www.aulro.com/afvb/images/im...012/12/696.jpgQuote:
Originally Posted by superquag
LOVE IT! you could get a job with Monty Python. Bob
Paddy had long heard the
stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all
been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that
special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far
side for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took
a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the
boat...............and nearly drowned!
Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother .
'Grandma,' he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk cross
the lake like me father, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled blue eyes and
said,
"Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather
were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye
were born in August. Ya fookin idiot!"