Jokes

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and
Brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the Patio table.

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....


"Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me?
I bought It with the insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then Said,
"Herman, remember that car you promised me?
Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her
fingers in the ashes she said, "Herman, that diamond ring you promised me?
I Bought it too, with the insurance money!"


Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said,
"Herman, remember that blow job I promised you?"

Here it comes...........

The Agony of Dyslexia
After Daylight Saving ended I stopped in to visit
my dyslexic friend.

He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him,
"You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back!"

Reminds me of the old joke, What does DNA stand for. National Dyslexic Association.

Lysdexics Rule K.O.

Confession When nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy. "And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?" "Well," says the first nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger." "OK," says St. Peter, "dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven." The next nun admits, "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit." "OK," says St. Peter, "rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven." Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front. "Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter. "Well, your excellency," says the nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it."

i have heard this one before but still makes me laugh it is one of the classics that never get old

A couple was Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve and the whole place was heaving, packed with other last minute shoppers.

Walking through the shopping centre the surprised wife looked up from a window display and noticed her husband was nowhere to be seen. She knew they had lots still to do and she became very upset.

She rummaged in her handbag and found her mobile phoned then used it to call her husband to ask him where he was.

The husband in a calm voice replied: "Darling, you remember the jewellery shop we went into five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that one day I would get it for you...?"

His wife's eyes filled with tears of emotion, she began to cry softly and stifling a sob she whispered:"Yes, I remember that jewellery shop..."

"Well," he said, "I'm in the pub next to it!"

A Priest and a Rabbi are riding in a plane.
After a while, the Priest turns to the Rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The Rabbi responds, "Yes that is still one of our beliefs."
The Priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the Rabbi replies, "Yes on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted pork."
The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The Priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The Rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of :the flesh?"
The Priest replied, "Yes Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The Rabbi nodded understandingly for a moment and then said, "A lot better than pork isn't it?"

Depressed

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel ,
"Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead
you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said,
"Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this
is the Promised Land."

Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the
price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the
economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement
funds, etc .... I called a Suicide Hotline.

I had to press 1 for English.

I was connected to a call centre in Pakistan ..I told them I was suicidal.

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck......

Folks, we're screwed

So this penguin is driving down the highway in his car when the check-engine light comes on and smoke starts billowing out. He gets the car to a garage, and the mechanic says he’ll need some time to check it out.
The penguin asks what he can do while he waits, and the mechanic says there’s an ice-cream parlor down the street. Of course, penguins love ice cream, but this penguin really loves ice cream. He has trouble eating it because of his flippers, but he just loves to eat ice cream. So it was a happy little penguin that went to the ice cream parlor, and a very happy penguin that rolled back into the garage a few hours later.
The mechanic sees the penguin, and says, “It looks like you blew a seal.”
“No, no,” says the penguin, “It’s just ice cream.”