Jokes

A man goes into a doctor's office feeling a little ill

The doctor checks him over and says, We'll have to do some blood tests.
A day later the doctor rings him with the results.
Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.

It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live.

There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth..'
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.

Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.
They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35.
Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320
Then he gets the full house and wins $5000.
Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting $780,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says,
'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card.
You must be the luckiest bastard on Earth!'

'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? Do you know I've got Yellow 24'.

'Dear Lord (or words to that effect),' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the meat raffle as well !!!

A woman went into a bar and asked the barman for a double entendre.

So he gave her one.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.

Well. You'll love this one:
My name is Alice, and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.
I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, i asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.
'Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a mustang,' he gleamed with pride.
‘When did you graduate?' I asked.
He answered, 'in 1970. Why do you ask?'
‘you were in my class!' I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.

Then, that ugly,
Old,
Bald,
Wrinkled-faced,
Fat-assed,
Gray-haired,
Decrepit
Son-of-a-bitch
Asked,
'What did you teach?'!!!

I was at Aldi yesterday, this thick bitch was on the check-out, face like the back of a bus and all the charisma of a jellied eel. I came to pay, I had only bought milk and bread but had no change.

"£1.03 please"
"Sorry this is all I've got," as I handed her a £20 note.
"Haven't you got anything smaller, 'cos it will take all my change, and I don't wanna count out £18.97?" she replied and pulled a stroppy face.
"I've got nothing, if that helps," I replied...she didn't get it so I thought f##k it, I'll pay by card.
"Shall I pay by card?" I asked.
"Don't do me no favours," she snapped.
I kept my cool and just put my PIN in.
"Cash back?" she asked sarcastically.
I couldn't resist it... "Oh yes, £18.97 please."

Nudist Colony

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony....On his first day, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts.....

Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.

'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.

'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.

The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.'

'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'

The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day!!'

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says 'make me one with everything'

In disturbing medical news, a new study of 1,000 people found that obesity has gotten so bad that there actually were, upon closer scrutiny, only 600 people involved in the study.

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Kmart when they collide. The first old guy says to the second guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.'
The second old guy says, 'That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too.
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'
The first old guy says, 'Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?'
' The second old guy says, 'Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the first old guy says, 'Doesn't matter, let's look for yours.'

Saw one yesterday

When I was a child, I saw my brother flapping at home one day. I asked him what was he doing, he said I'm practicing martial arts. So when my teacher asked who could play martial arts on class, I raised my hand and took off my pants...

Old Butch

This is not only a cute story, but who
wouldn't love this absolutely beautiful rooster, "Old Butch?"

John was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young layers (hens),
called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not
performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some
tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could
tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out
an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a
very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell
hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other
roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing,
but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell
in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and
walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered
him in the Saint Lawrence County Fair and he became an overnight sensation
among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded
old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the
"Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.

Who else but a politician could figure out
how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at
sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't
paying attention.

Vote carefully next time, the bells are not always audible.