Thread: Jokes

Toilet Cleaning Instructions :

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and
add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.

You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.
Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times.
This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home.

Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean. !

Originally Posted by TimNZ

Toilet Cleaning Instructions :

I had this one sent to me a while back.

It was signed ............

THE DOG

AUSTRALIAN ETIQUETTE
IN GENERAL

1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It's tacky to take an Esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private using one's OWN ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.

DATING

1. First date - always offer to put the fish bait on your date's hook.
2. Be assertive - Let her know you're interested, "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff about you on the dunny door two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 11:00 PM, others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE/CINEMA ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your popularity. (Excessive use of tongue is also considered out of place).
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummer-bund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for the occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy.He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel.
He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy.. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire.. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ..What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame....what a disappointment.'


The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.
And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'

Hung Chow calls his work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomachache and legs hurt. I no come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon.........You got nice house.'

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age.

How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

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A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

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The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.. His assistant walked up to him and said,

'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?'

The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question...

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up... He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door..'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires…..

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At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Melbourne they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had
managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I've tried to treat her nicea, spenda DA money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'
Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."

not really a joke but still funny reading

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. That is why I don't argue with a politician.
- The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
- We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
- If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
- Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without a sandwich, look out.
- Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
- War does not determine who is right – only who is left... left, oh ya they are the ones holding the protest signs.
- Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
- Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
- Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
- Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
- I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
- I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
- Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
- We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
- War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
- Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
- My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
- The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
- Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
- How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
- Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
- Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
- Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
- I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
- Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
- Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
- Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
- Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
- The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
- Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
- Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
- He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
- A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
- Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
- I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
- I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
- Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
- Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
- I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
- Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
- I always take life with a grain of salt... plus a slice of lemon... and a shot of tequila.
- Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
- I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
- When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
- Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
- With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
- A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
- If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?
- Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
- A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
- Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.


and my brother sent me this, apparently text from an evilbay add for a Mazda 121, as written by its owner

If you thought muscle cars were a thing of the past, think again. This Mazda is probably one of Japan's most formidable street machines. In fact, Subaru were lucky that these little boxes were produced before the first WRX, because it gave Subaru something to strive for.

On first glance you may just think that this is just another Japanese girly car, aimed at practicality and economy. You're right. But what Mazda put into these was a level of technology matched only by Casio calculators from the 1970s.

Not only does this car look sporty and powerful, it also has aerodynamics equivalent to a garden shed, enabling it to reach speeds well beyond 100,000 metres per hour. In fact, with a tail wind these things can go even faster, but a cross wind presents problems, especially after the car ends up on its roof.

Aside from the factory styled aerodynamics, this car is fitted with aftermarket speed dimples, known as 'dents'. Like a golf ball's dimples, the dents allow the 121 to travel even further when hit by a 9 iron.

One of the major problems you will have owning this car is that everyone wants to race you from the traffic lights. Even trucks. I know this because everyone takes off really quickly and when I catch up to them at the next set of lights, they pretend they weren't trying. In this 121, you have to be really careful with the throttle control as too much acceleration is likely to cause wheelspin, whereas anything below 3,000 RPM is likely to cause stalling. Driving in the wet is a real problem as far as traction goes, especially on wet grass or oiled steel plates. This truly is a driver's car (because no passengers are likely to get in it).

Although it appears massive, the exhaust is the original 3cm job. Mazda had to go up a size from the drinking straw used on the Mazda 1000s because of the radical cam timing used in the 121. When they put together the first B13 motor it was a twin cam job, but it was so powerful that the exhaust cam ended up getting blown out the exhaust and the inlet cam often ran away in fear of the pistons. So they stayed with a single cam version and threw out 8 valves in order to lighten the car up even further. The motor produces almost as much power as four high quality split system air conditioners, which when coupled to the advanced five speed transmission and front wheel drive provides enough power to charge a mobile phone.

Mazda tried desperately to dress down the 121, including the fitment of 13” wheels just to take away that guard filling look of the bigger 14” rims. They didn't compromise on width though, this car has tyres as wide as a shopping trolley with a rubber compound to match. Without such huge road hugging bags, this car would not be able to handle the race tuned suspension that it is fitted with, in fact it may even have a small sway bar somewhere. Mazda also kept the bumper bars a different colour to the car, because with such curvy styling some may not have been able to tell where the car started and ended. Ford's Australian Taurus from the mid 90's is a classic example of a car which has no front and no back. The seats in that car can swivel 360° so that it can be driven in either direction. Mazda didn't want the same problem with the 121, so they put a slight angle in the roof of the car where it meets the front windscreen.

To give you some idea of the way this car performs, let me relate a recent road incident I was involved in:

I was traveling along the freeway minding my own business, when suddenly a Mercedes ML63 AMG came up beside me and the middle aged driver nodded at me with his leather jacket and Armani sunnies on. It was on. I was in third gear getting ready for a steep climb up the hill so I thought I'd give the big AMG a head start. Off we went. I planted my foot to the floor and the scenery started to blast past me (admittedly it was painted on the side of a garden supplies pantech). I think I saw the same AMG about an hour later, pulled over outside a cafe with the driver reading the Financial Review and sipping on a soy latte. I blew the horn and accelerated in a cloud of tyre smoke, which may have been attributed to the container of baby powder I had run over.

That was the closest race I've had in the 121, in fact for a few seconds, I could almost read the rear number plate of the AMG. I learned from that incident that losers should never give winners a head start, so now I just drive off before lights even turn green. Sure, I've caused a few taxis to peel their retreads off trying to avoid me, but the satisfaction of winning the race to the other side of the intersection is worth it.

This 121 isn't just built for speed. It is also built for practicality. The rear seats fold down providing enough room for a stampede of rats to be carried in comfort. You could even fit a fridge in if you could buy one small enough. I've even picked up a few models in the 121, including a ship in a bottle. It doesn't have a towbar purely because scientists haven't come up with a material strong enough to withstand the forces encountered when the clutch is dropped. The car is so powerful that they even had to leave out back doors because they were afraid the car would pull apart at the seams like my last pair of trackie dacks.

Parking is simple in this car. In fact, it is so light that it can be parked on top of a Subaru Liberty if the Subaru is fitted with Rhino racks. Some people even take their 121 into the shopping centre with them and save on putting $2 into an Aldi trolley. Once when I went to Newtown for dinner, there were so few parking spots that I put the 121 on a Marickville bus for only $1.20 and picked it up later.

It has a turbo button which can be handy sometimes, especially when the guy next to you on the Yamaha R1 wants to drag you. It has to be used with caution because depending on your body weight, you could brake the backrest of the seat under acceleration. I liken it to nitrous oxide, but without the reality. It works by having the air conditioning on most of the time, but when you need an added burst of power, just turn it off and away you go. I reckon you pull an extra half a kilowatt out of the beast with the turbo boost feature.

You may also notice that this model is the 'Shades' series. The Shades was Mazda's codename for the Small Hatch And Definitely Enough Speed project, where they attempted to set a world record by mass producing the worlds best selling flat pack car. Ikea would have taken on the Shades project, but the engineers could not make fasteners strong enough to keep all the panels together, so they abandoned that aspect of the project and Mazda produced the 121 from recycled CRT computer monitors instead, maintaining the classic lines.

If you're after that discreet look where nobody notices you, this isn't the car for you. It's like riding a Ducati 998 up to a motocross track when you park this thing somewhere. People will stare, some will even want to touch it, some may be jealous. But like fame, after a while you get used to it (apparently). The best thing I've found for avoiding attention when driving this beast around, is to park next to a car with similar formidable characteristics, like a Daihatsu Charade.

For those interested in the minor details, the car is registered in NSW until next March, almost a year away. For a cat, that would be like having almost seven years worth of rego.

It doesn't have power steering because as you can see from the colour, it was built for only the toughest of drivers.

It is not fuel injected, but still manages to run on the smell of an oily rag; provided the oily rag is left in the fuel tank and covered in 20L of unleaded petrol.

Everything works as it should, even the brakes slow you down.

Mechanically it is fine, there is no rust and the tyres are near new.

With GT Falcons and HK Monaros going for many of thousands of dollars, this may just be your chance to buy on of Japan's true muscle cars before there are less than 4.3 million of them left.

According to a news report, a certain private school in Brisbane , Qld , Australia, was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.... and then there are educators