Thread: Jokes

Carl williams had recently put in a request for a rowing machine for the gym at his jail.....

Apparently the exercise bike was doing his head in!

Why did Carl Williams take up the treadmill the week before he died ??

because the exercise bike was doing his head in!!


In a related story, SA POLICE are refusing to eliminate the CROWS Footy team from the enquiry even though they are constantly proving they wont beat anyone!

(I'm a crows member and it hurt to write it!)


***edit***
CURSE YOU SPRINT!, IF I COULD HAVE TYPED FASTER OR READ YOUR FIRST POST SLOWER SO I SAW YOUR NEXT POST I WOULDNT HAVE REPEATED THE JOKE!!!

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:-


"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions
to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"


The survey was a huge failure because of the following:


1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8. In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

Will I Live to see 80?


Here's something to think about.


I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 49.)


A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'


He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'


'Oh no,' I replied... 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'


Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?


'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'


'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'


'No, I don't,' I said.


He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'


'No,' I said.


He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a ****?

• • FAIR DINKUM!!

Kia Ora you fullahs (and gidday dingos)
Three Australians and three Maoris are travelling by train to a
Rugby match at the World Cup in England . At the station, the three
Aussies each buy a ticket and watch as the three Maoris buy just one
ticket between them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks
one of the Aussies. "Watch and learn bro," answers one of the Maoris

They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats
but all three Maoris cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket
please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket
in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after
the game, they decide to copy the Maoris on the return trip and save
some money (being clever with money, and all that).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the
return trip. To their astonishment, the Maoris don't buy a ticket at
all!!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed
Aussie.

"Watch and learn bro ," answers a Maori ..

When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a toilet and
soon after the three Maoris cram into another nearby. The train
departs.

Shortly afterwards, one of the Maoris leaves the toilet and walks
over to the toilet where the Aussies are hiding. He knocks on the door
and says, "Ticket please."

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel "
pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you
to the promised land".

40 years ago, Whitlam said, " Lay down your shovels, sit on
your asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land".

Now Krudd has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price
of camels and mortgaged the promised land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the
economy, the wars, lost jobs, Savings, Social Security, retirement
funds, etc . . . I called Lifeline. Got a freakin' call center in
Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal.

They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck....
Regards
Stevo

A miner, who just moved to Kalgoorlie from Bendigo , walks into a bar and orders three pots of beer. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The barman approaches and tells the miner, "You know, a pot goes flat after I pour it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The miner replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Queensland, the other is in Tasmania . When we all left our home in Victoria , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The barman admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The miner becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three pots and drinks them in turn.

One day; he comes in and only orders two pots. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The miner looks quite puzzled for a moment, then light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though.."

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?", she asked.

"Hunting Flies", he responded.

"Oh! Killing any?", she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied.





Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.