Thread: Jokes

Paddy takes his goldfish to the vet. "Me little fish, Doc... it's got epilepsy!" The vet takes a look and says; "It looks calm enough to me" Paddy says; "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet!"
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The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realised that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. So one day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. The used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

"When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly beat the Russian dog.

"When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund leaned up and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. Our best people worked for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves." "That's nothing!" an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years trying to make an alligator look like a Dachshund!

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."

"Well now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it? So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers." Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'OK buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'"

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

What has Australia and Mcdonalds got in common???
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They're both run by red headed clowns

Shrek, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Lopez were all having lunch together.

Shrek said, 'I have always thought that I'm the strongest man in the World, but how can I be sure?’

Brad Pitt said, 'I'm pretty sure I'm the hottest man alive but I've Never had it confirmed..'

Jennifer Lopez agreed. 'I'm told I'm the sexiest of them all, but Sometimes I wonder.'

They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true was to approach the wicked Queen's mirror to confirm for them whether Shrek was the strongest, Brad Pitt was the hottest and Jennifer Lopez was the sexiest.

They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings.

The next day Shrek walked up with a smile. 'Well, it's true. The mirror told me that I am the strongest man in the world!'


Jennifer Lopez followed and boasted ‘it is true, it has been confirmed that I am the sexiest!!


Brad Pitt walked in, head bent, tears in his eyes and asked, “Who the hell is Mr Whippy” ???

Achmed had tried to do his thing and had unfortunately gotten it a bit wrong and died of premature detonation. He was met at the gates of towelhead heaven and advised that his 72 virgins were waiting for him.

nervously he approached and begged audience that his 72 virgins might be replaced with 72 whores as he had not yet been with a woman and didnt know what to do.

"sorry Achmed but you must have the 72 virgins, The Quran, although embellished by man to suit his needs, while mostly correct omits the fact that they are not for your pleasure, we pick the virgins from those that have died from your efforts and it is your job to see to their pleasure"

Feeling mislead and a bit dissapointed responded with steely determination he replied "If I must, then I shall learn how to pleasure a woman."

"Achmed, we never said they would be women"

Oh To Be 12 Again...


A man was sitting on the edge of the bed,observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,

and then took her to Alton Towers theme park.

What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

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Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.

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Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a Mc Donald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets......M&M's.

What a fabulousadventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,

'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'

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Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'


The moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

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SEND THIS TO ALL THE WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH,

AND THE MEN TOO

What is Old?

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Choose one, I can't do both!"


"OLD" IS WHEN.. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.


"OLD" IS WHEN. A sexy babe catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door.



"OLD" IS WHEN.... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.



"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.


"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by.... The doctor instead of by the police.


"OLD" IS WHEN.... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fibre today.


"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.


"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to wee