Thread: Jokes

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson,died and
>>>went to heaven.
>>>At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man
>>>And
>>>your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is,you can hang out
>>>with anyone you want in Heaven."
>>>Arthur thought about it for a minute and said, "I want to hang out with
>>>God.
>>>
>>>St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
>>>God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who
>>>invented
>>>the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"
>>>Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."
>>>God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty
>>>unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run
>>>without a road?"
>>>Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me,but
>>>Aren
>>>t You the inventor of woman?"
>>>God said, "Yes."
>>>"Well," said! Arthur..., "professional to professional, you have some
>>>major
>>>design flaws in your invention:
>>>1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
>>>2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
>>>3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
>>>4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
>>>5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"
>>>"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, and said, "hold
>>>on."
>>>And God went to His Celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and
>>>waited for the results.
>>>The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
>>>"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur,
>>>"But
>>>according to these statistics, more men are riding
>>>my invention than yours."

A guy is standing over his tee shot for what seems like an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, and figuring out the wind direction and speed. He's driving his partner nuts. Finally, his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man," says his partner, "you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"

God went to the Arabs and said, "I have
Commandments for you that will make your lives better.
The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."
Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shall not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested"

God went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments."
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honor thy Father and Mother. "
"Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested."

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have
Commandments."
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said "Thou shall not steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."

Then He went to the French and said, "I have
Commandments."
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said,
"Thou shall not commit adultery."
"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."
"Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?"
"They're free."
"We'll take 10."


There, that ought to offend just about everybody!

Not Me, I love it LOL

Tommy Cooper classics (whoever he might be)
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Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married

The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

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Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

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"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "

"Is it common? "

"It's not unusual."

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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "

"No, because he's really heavy"

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"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."

"Well you can't say fairer than that then"

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Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

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I went to the dentist.

He said "Say Aaah."

I said "Why?"

He said "My dog's died.'"

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"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said

'Who's speaking please?'

And a voice said 'You are.'"

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So I rang up my local swimming baths.

I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'

He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

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"So I rang up a local building firm,

I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'

He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And

there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.

It's either my mum or my dad.

Or my older brother Colin.

Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.

But I think it's Colin.

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So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and
he said 'You've been promoted.'

And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said
"You've been promoted again.'

And I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'

And I went into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'

And I said 'I careered off the road.

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Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?

The one I was in went back and forwards.

I thought 'This is unusual'.

And the dentist said to me

Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

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So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give
me a lift?"

I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

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Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other

"Does this taste funny to you?"

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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

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"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They left a little note on the windscreen,

it said

'Parking Fine.'

So that was nice."

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A man walked into the doctors,

The doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time "

The man replied "I know I've been ill"

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A man walked into the doctors,

he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"

The doctor said "well don't go to those places"

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I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.

He wasn't very happy.

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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

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I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a
month for the next 2 years.

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Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one
of them would have seen it.

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Phone answering machine message -

"...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key..."

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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.

A strong currant pulled him in.

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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

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I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.

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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.

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Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."

The other one says "So are you, you fat slob!"

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Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search
and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that
number to climb as digging continues into the night

Two blondes were planning to rob a bank. The first blonde had a tendancy to be smarter than the second.

They went over and over their plans for the robbery and finally they headed out to commit the crime. They pulled up in their car in front of the bank.

The first blonde says to the second blonde, "Are you SURE you understand the plan?"

"Yes!" replied the second blonde.

So the second blonde gets out of the passenger side of the car and heads into the bank.

Time passes, and after 10 minutes the second blonde has not returned. The first blonde gets very nervous.

Finally, out comes the second blonde from the bank dragging the safe behind her by a rope, and seconds behind her comes the guard with his pants down.

"No you idiot! I told you to blow the SAFE and tie-up the GUARD!"

Newfies adrift in a lifeboat...

Two Newfies, Jarge and Eli, were adrift in a lifeboat.

While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Jarge stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.

This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Jarge immediately blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into Molson Canadian beer."

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into beer and the genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

Eli looked disgustedly at Jarge whose wish had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment Eli said, "Nice going Jarge!

Now we're going to have to p.ss in the boat."

DON'T KNOW WHAT DOCTOR WROTE THIS, BUT I LIKE HIM!

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...
Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually.
Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying
you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.
Want to livelonger? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat?
Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is
nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables
to yoursystem.
Need grain? Eat chicken.
Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled
wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit soyou
get even more of the goodness that way.
Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in aregular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry.
My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ...
Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it.
How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!!
It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you mayhave had about food and diets.

And remember:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but
rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate
in the other body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming :

Woo Hoo, what a ride !